Wednesday, November 25, 2009

breakfast today and leaving yesterday behind

breakfast at 4:30 a.m. (so I could open the Y):  multi-grain toast, 1 slice (110) with all-natural peanut butter (210) and crab apple jelly (60), big glass of skim milk (120)

coffee at work, huge, with sugar and creamer (150)

I'm not going back to summarize yesterday's calories.  On one hand, I behaved myself very well while cooking the Thanksgiving feast...only ate one Oreo.  And I also didn't eat any pie afterward, so that's good.  BUT I did enjoy the feast awfully, groaningly full much.  Turkey with alllll the trimmings WOW.  So I am sure the calorie news was not good.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

i remembered i forgot... count my big glass of skim milk at breakfast (120).

Walked 45 minutes, outside.  Soon enough, outside won't be an option.  Gotta grab the chance while I can.  On a completely superficial note, the combination of my weight and fair complexion means working out turns me red as a tomato, not to mention sweaty in a very un-ladylike way.  No matter how awesome I feel for pushing through and getting the work done, the look in the mirror afterward is always a "yuck" moment.  

Not that anyone was really watching me, anyway.

breakfast on what will be a feasting day

Today/tonight I am cooking a Thanksgiving feast for my youth church kids.  If I don't get my motivation stirred up a bit, today is going to be a high-number day, where calories are concerned.  Hmm.

Anyway breakfast:  multi-grain toast, 1 slice (110) with all-natural peanut butter (210) and crab apple jelly (60), along with a big mug of hot tea with raw sugar (120).

Day, here I come.

tying up yesterday, later than i should

I learned before that finishing up "tomorrow" with documenting today's food is a sure way to miss items.  But I let yesterday get away from me (too busy having fun to remember to write it down)...soo...I'll catch up and then work at doing better going forward.

The rest of yesterday included:

afternoon snack of cantaloupe balls (the last from the freezer):  120

supper: homemade beef noodles (funny, considering I just wrote about cooking cheaply) (600...I went back for seconds...noodles are my weakness) and homemade applesauce (100) with a big glass of skim milk (120)

Total calories for the day: 1865, which would be too much for someone who is a size six, but is right on target for weight loss at my current size.  

Which still doesn't mean I should have eaten so many beef noodles.

Monday, November 23, 2009

sunny lunch and thoughts on cooking cheaply

leftover homemade 15 bean soup (300), ginormous (yet sadly, chewy) apple (100), water

One of the challenges:  I am currently (newly) unemployed.  It's hard for me to spend funds on fresh fruits and veggies even without that factor.  A decade and a half of doing daycare in my home trained me well for feeding lots of people:  make a huge pile of cheap carbs, put in just enough protein to make it feel like a treat, lavish the fat and spices, plop little bits of canned fruits and veggies along the side, and everyone will be happy without turning your pockets inside out.  And then there were the years of a houseful of teenage boys - more meat, but still, a focus on large amounts of cheap carbs.  I know how to do cheap.  I know where to shop for the bottom dollar - so when people complain about their grocery bill and then use words like HyVee...well, I just smile.  Dude.  I could totally cut your grocery bill in half.

Not that the menu would be good for you.  More like a fat-builder.  Which is what I need to change.

I've been un-training myself from cooking for 10 for a long time, and I'm kind of getting the hang of that.  I've been moving away from canned (read: nearly zero nutrition) and toward fresh...right up till I lost my job.

I come from a family that keeps the food storage space maxed out at all times.  We are well-stocked here with things that keep.  Cans.  Jars.  Rice.  Noodles.  Beans.  Instant mixes for sides.  The freezer still has some home-grown stuff, but it's now over a year old, which means we'll need to get it used up...and all the really good goodies from the summer-before-last's garden are long gone. 

I could feed us for a month...probably longer...without buying much more than milk and eggs along the way.

The challenge:  cooking toward fitness and not the security of being stuffed on comfort food.

The other thing we are in our family is "can do" people. 

Which means, in theory, I can do it.

here's to day one on the try, try again train


old-fashioned oats (150) with raisins (65), brown sugar (90), and walnuts (100); plus a big mug of hot tea with raw sugar (120)

Took a 45 minute walk this morning.  For most of it, I was walking the "right" speed, as measured by:  I could have talked, if I wanted to (not gasping for my last breath), but I really wouldn't have wanted to.  Got my blood pumping nicely.  And I remembered to stretch after, so that should help me not to get too stiff and sore, methinks.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Well I am back. I fell off the wagon badly and simultaneously lost access to my blogger account for awhile (confusion amidst the login process which is not worth explaining here.)

I need to get refocused on fitness. Today I took a Very Long Walk on a beautiful afternoon. That was a good step. I need to get my stuff together quite a bit more than that. Let's see if I can get back to business.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

breakfast today and goal for tonight

shredded wheat, frosted 200
skim milk 75

It's youth church night tonight. I know what this generally means for my calorie count. So Karen, let's try for maintenance at least, and not gain....

yesterday's summary: incredibly good food

Ugh, I didn't get back on this blog and figure out my calories last night. Hmmm here goes the reconstruct:

no coffee
banana 100
several bottles of water

leftovers for lunch: whole wheat spaghetti 200 w/swiss chard 10, tomatoes 25, onion 10, garlic, and olive oil 200, topped w/romano cheese 50, black olives 25, and walnuts 99

strawberries 40

whole wheat penne 180 w/zucchini 18, fresh oregano & basil grown @ home, red onion 10, bell pepper 5, black 25 & green olives 15, olive oil 200, fresh mozzarella 40, and grated parmesan 20, with a glass of skim milk 90 and a nice piece of garlic bread 200

strawberry 40 shortcake 80 w/cool whip 50

Total for the day: 2007. This is 131 calories over my loss number, but still well under my maintenance number. And the food was incredible, and I'm feeling fine with what I ate yesterday.

Not exercising, on the other hand....not so good.

Monday, June 15, 2009

skippity do dah

Okay so I haven't blogged since Thursday night.

I haven't exercised since then either, except for vigorous housework.

I have eaten pretty reasonably though.

Focusing on trying again, and not on where I have not met my own expectations.

Breakfast: shredded wheat (frosted) 200 and skim milk 75. Good lunch packed and of we go.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

several items of good news, despite the PMS lurker

I dodged caffeine completely today and it helped. I felt far less murderous, though I was still pretty overstimulated all day. I remembered right after breakfast that dairy products are unhelpful for PMS issues...and oops I had consumed 2 full cups at breakfast. Oy vey.

Lunch was a very small bowl of chicken noodle soup 200, handful of baby carrots 30, and half a handful of grapes 15.

Supper was french bread 600 with sauce 60, parmesan 40, asiago cheese 110, and olive oil 240.

Total calories for the day, then, are 1845.


THAT is UNDER my loss number by 21 calories!

Furthermore (she says happily), I walked 35 minutes tonight, at least half of which was huffing, puffing, heartpounding, sweating and definitely cardio healthy stuff.

Drinking some water and pondering it all.

This feels much less like failure.

the pms monster

Ummm. Hello, blog that I just ignored again for 2 days.

No good diet or exercise choices to report from that period.

Yesterday, the PMS monster ate me. I had Extreme Oversensitivity/Overstimulation. I could feel the tags and seams in my clothes, and they drove me crazy. The sounds of people existing were magnified to the point that every noise was like fingernails on the chalkboard. I hadn't realized I was in the PMS zone and had consumed a very large quantity of caffeine directly before it all hit. PMS + caffeine = someone must die. Happily, I resisted the urge to follow that equation, though I DID make a surly face I still feel bad about at the drive thru at McDonald's (hot fudge sundae w/nuts, to feed the beast in me)...their cash drawer wouldn't close and well, let's just say they needed some training on what to do with the customer while you're having a mechanical failure.

About 18 years ago I had a wicked year or so of PMS that included spectacular stunts like throwing the kitchen table, and other embarrassing behavior. I learned back then how to make it go away or at least hold it at manageable levels without the Xanax my doctor so kindly prescribed (diet can kill it or feed it). Yesterday I think my hormones were back at the kitchen table tossing level. The good news: I am an entirely different person than I was back then. I can use both the diet stuff I know and the much more important spiritual stuff I know to battle it this time around.

Did you know....some people with mood disorders and/or ADHD also suffer with the same struggles I described above (trust me, I've studied this in depth). The next time you want to kill that rotten kid with the bad mouth and nasty attitude who can't sit still...consider that he might be feeling the seams in his shirt and hearing your voice as nails on the chalkboard...and cut him some slack already, okay? (Hmmmm...that was a very non-diet sermon.)

Doing today's blog, despite the lack of success, just to remind me not to give up, even though if this were school I'd be getting sent back a grade by now.

Breakfast toast 100 peanut butter 200 jelly 50 milk 200 (not the best start I could have made).

There be good music in my car. Glad that's next!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

here we go now

breakfast: toast 100 peanut butter 200 banana 100 skim milk 160

I did not get up in time to walk today. But the day is not over yet.

Monday, June 8, 2009

intention to remount, and my labs

Okay, so I coasted all weekend. Just indulged in comfort food while processing my son's impending departure (which occurred this morning). And today I kinda did some more of that. BUT I did walk tonight (and with my daughter, so it was at a good, huffy puffy pace), and tomorrow's goal is to Get Back On That Wagon.

Meanwhile: my lab results from that blood test awhile back finally came (after I made another reminder call). Posting them here so it will still be available if I lose those 2 pages.

Item, My #, Goal range

glucose, 89, 70-105
bun, 12, 7-21
creatinine, .51, .44-1.00
est. gfr, 132, none given
bun/crea, 23.5, 5.0-43.0
sodium, 139, 135-146
potassium, 4.2, 3.4-5.0
chloride, 106, 99-119
co2, 26, 21-31
aniongap, 7.0, 5.0-19.0
osmalal, 276.8, 265.0-315.0
calcium, 8.5, 8.6-10.8
protein, 6.8, 6.8-8.3
albumin, 3.6, 3.5-5.3
globulin, 3.2, 1.2-4.6
alb/glob, 1.1, 0.7-2.9
bilirubin, 0.5, 0.2-1.2
ast, 19, 13-30
alt, 12, 7-46
alk phos, 91, 38-98
cholesterol, 158, 122-240
hdl, 44, 35-95
chol/hdl, 3.6, 1.4-8.6
ldl-c, 96, 55-160
triglycerides, 91, 40-200
t4, 6.2, 4.0-11.0
tsh, 4.73, 3.60-5.60
wbc, 5.6, 4.0-11.0
rbc, 3.80, 3.60-5.60
hgb, 11.5, 12.0-16.0
hct, 34.2, 36.0-48.0
mcv, 90.2, 80.0-100.0
mch, 30.2, 27.0-31.0
mchc, 33.5, 31.0-36.0
rdw, 14.8, 10.0-20.0
plt, 299, 150-450
%neutro, 52.8, 45.0-80.0
%lymph, 38.2, 20.0-50.0
%mono, 4.2, 1.0-10.0
%eos, 4.2, 0.0-5.0
%baso, 0.6, 0.0-2.0
#neutro, 3.0, 1.5-8.0
#lymph, 2.2, 1.0-5.0
#mono, 0.2, 0.1-1.0
#eos, 0.2, 0.0-0.5
#baso, 0.0, 0.0-0.2

Notably: I am anemic (which has been true my whole life) and I need to focus on iron in my diet and probably work harder on remembering to take an iron supplement.

And my calcium is low, which is weird because generally I am a big milk drinker. But then as I've cut calories, my milk consumption is way, way down. Need to do more spinach, etc and get that up, I suppose.

Otherwise: those are some great results!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

walking twice, good news and bad news

So the good news is I walked twice yesterday (the second time for 25 minutes). The bad news is I didn't track my food. The good news is I was mostly good. The bad news is I cleaned up after another of my son's going away parties last night, and indulged in nacho cheese doritos and root beer, just cuz his approaching departure left me in that kind of mood, at that moment.

The good news is today is a new day. Let's see what it contains.

Friday, June 5, 2009

a walk and a badly behaved back

Well a battle has been won this morning. I got up and walked 20 minutes (I had decided last night that I need to walk at least once a day, preferably twice, every day until I leave for my Swiss vacation, so that I won't die or embarrass myself while trying to keep up with my hosts).

On last night's 20 minute walk, my back started begging for mercy halfway through. This is a combination, I think, of the fact that I fell back out of the practice of trying to make my stomach muscles do the work of lifting my belly...and the simple truth that when one's body does all day every day in various chairs, that body protests at anything that is not a seated position. This morning, the pain didn't start till the last 5 minutes. So that feels like progress. We'll see.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

stress eating, careless choices, but also walking

coffee w/sugar when I got to work 135 and it was so strong I had to add milk (we only had whole on hand) 25

Lunch was leftover pasta 500.

Piece of licorice at work 40

After work hot fudge sundae 340 w/nuts 40 (stress eating as I had been upset all day)

Supper Hamburger Helper 750 and tea

Calories for the day 2250. This exceeds my loss number of 1876.

On a better note, I walked 20 minutes tonight. Golly I am in poor condition. Gotta get to work.

no walkee

Woke in plenty of time to go walking this morning...and I had gone to bed early enough last night to leave no excuse for lingering. But you know, I did. The bed felt soooooooo very delicious, and I talked myself around in circles, eventually curling up for another hour of sleep. Not a good choice. Aiming to choose better tonight...maybe I can walk with my daughter (who is incredibly motivated just now).

Breakfast: toast 100 peanut butter 200 apple butter 20 milk 100.

Beautiful day out there. Off to live it.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

if you like healthy, this will make you wince

morning snack strawberries 40

lunch chipotle soup 150 and enormous chicken breast 480

snack leftover mac n cheese 260

supper 2 pan-fried bacon 104 tomato 10 cheese 100 burgers 600 on buns 240 and a glass of sierra mist 150

calories for the day: 2644, which is just a tad over my maintenance number...not too bad considering my completely appalling but absolutely delectable supper selection....

and hey, i blogged twice today.

progress, progress. it ain't pretty but i'll keep crawling forward.

gonna be nice to me

Was reasonable, though not wonderful, over the weekend. Definitely dodged the blog.

My blister is better. I need to be walking. This morning, I cooked bacon and taters for my son, who leaves soon for boot camp (so his mommy wants to do nice stuff for him). The good news: I did not indulge in what I cooked.

My friend the fellow diet sufferer reminded me that I'm being a bit negative about me lately. Ummm. That's true! Today's goal: work on that. And stick with a better diet plan than "eat whatever I feel like."

Breakfast: whole grain toast 100 smucker's peanut butter 200 crabapple jelly 50 and skim milk 160.

Off to work we go.

Friday, May 29, 2009

it's friday

breakfast: grape nuts 300, sugar 135, skim milk 50.

Getting in my car and praying about my attitude.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

feasting and barely trying at all

Coffee w/sugar to start the work morning 135

I had a meeting/class sort of thing today, and lunch was provided there. Chicken fettuccine alfredo 650, breadstick 140, salad w/dressing 130, a chocolate chip cookie 210, and tea w/lemon.

2 lemon girl scout cookies when I got home 150

Supper was more pasta, cooked with sausage, onions, garlic, bell peppers, and tomatoes with a ton of herbs and topped the whole thing off w/grated parmesan. My best guess for calories for that is 500. And of course garlic bread with real butter 300. And glass of skim milk 160.

Total for the day: 2660. Yup, another maintenance day.

Undisciplined is such an understatement to describe me.

Will keep on blogging, in hopes that conviction will push me off this stubborn spot.

I wore different shoes today (dressing up a bit as I knew people in my class would be from the world of Making Money) and my blister that was healing is raw. ERgh.

This crabby night will pass.

success despite falling down, and the return of the jean jacket

Oh golly look. It's Thursday and I have made no Wednesday entry. Let's see if I can remember what I had:

breakfast oatmeal 150 w/sugar 135
coffee at work w/sugar 135
ramen noodles for lunch 380
strawberries 46
3 bottles of water w/sweetener packs (cranberry apple rocks!)
2 girl scout lemon cookies 150
plate of fried potatoes 500 w/ketchup & salt 90
1.75 cups skim milk 160

Total calories for the day: 1746, which comes in even under my weight loss number.

Life is funny. Yesterday I was a nutritional nightmare, but I made the calorie count. I know better about what to eat, but I am struggling with my attitude and with lack of planning, which causes me to grab whatever is close.

Yesterday, I wore my jean jacket to work. It has been hanging in my closet for something like 2 years now, because the arms were too tight for it to look decent. While I'd still like it to be a tad looser, it fits reasonably now! So, despite my awful attitude, passive aggression, and constant backsliding, it seems I am still losing. Which encourages me greatly for today.

I did not walk again yesterday or today...that blister is healing, but is still making itself very much known every time I walk. Of course, back when we prayer walked the county, I learned all the blister solutions that exist, and I walked many miles with awful feet. Sooooo...the blister is an excuse. I sure do like excuses. (Good reason to blog: I hadn't processed any of the information in this paragraph until I watched my hands type it. OY.)

Breakfast today: quick oats (alas, I am out of old fashioned ones and these are such a disappointment!) 150 and sugar 135.

Day, here I come.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Coffee w/sugar when I got to work 135

strawberries for morning snack 46

Lunch: canned wedding soup 240, baked potato 160 with salt/pepper, bottle of water with sugar free flavor in it

nuther bottle o water w/sugar free flavor in the afternoon

Supper at youth church: 3 pancakes 450 w/syrup 100 and butter 36, 6 sausage links 420, hash browns 416 w/ketchup 20, yummy pulpy orange juice 220

Total for the day: 2528.

Ergh. Just a little under my maintenance number.

And my darn blister hurt all day inside my shoe, even sitting still. Doesn't look promising for walking tomorrow.

Scuse me while I feel like a failure.

an early morning victory with a blister for a prize

I walked this morning. This is a victory. Yesterday around 5 a.m., I had a conversation with myself about walking, and staying in bed won that round. This morning, it was quite a tussle, but then the winning vote said that I retired early last night, and I cannot plead, "but the bed feels so good!" at both ends of the spectrum.

I had my route sort of planned, which would have taken probably 40 minutes. But then my shoe started rubbing wrong and I turned right around. 20 minutes of walking and one bloody blister. Well anyway I have bandaids and other shoes, and we'll see what tomorrow brings. I am not telling myself that I am beginning my "walking program" because I am all about the great beginnings that are followed by epic failure. I decided today. Tomorrow, I'll decide again (we'll see which side wins then).

A cool thing: despite all my inner babbling, the Lord got a word or 2 in edgewise...things I really needed to hear. I am grateful this morning that He didn't wait for me to shut up already before talking.

Confession: last night I had hot chocolate after my totals, so I think I pushed them right up or perhaps even a bit over my maintenance number. I certainly have room to grow in the self-discipline area, (she says, making a wild understatement).

Breakfast: oatmeal (150) w/sugar (135).

Monday, May 25, 2009

well i made it here...

Okay so I was better today.

Apple juice for breakfast 292

Lunch can o soup 420, crackers 120, pb&j sammich 320

root beer after work 320

supper was baked potato 160 w/sour cream 60 and enormous chicken breast cooked in lemon juice 400

umm and then I wanted sweet: 2 girl scout lemon cookies 150

okay now let's count 'em up: 2242

Well. I said "better"...not "good." At least I'm still in under maintenance, though just by a few lil calories.

One small step. Tomorrow, we'll try again.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

feeling like poor ol michael finnegan....

Lost count of the times I've fallen, long ago.

I need to get back up.

A friend emailed me to coax me along the way. I agreed and then did nothing. Hmmm. This is not good.

The level of resistance in me to making better's appalling.

Tomorrow is a new day. I need to let it be a new beginning. Again.

Friday, May 15, 2009

undocumented but better, and chocolate killed the mean in me

Okay so: the bad news is I did not stop and enter everything yesterday, and now I'm running late this morning, so I won't be catching that up.

The good news is I DID eat much better, other than some cookies and chocolate milk on the drive home because I had been in a PMS storm on the verge of violence all day. I think, though, that I did not have so much that the day was a disaster or anything like that.

I would like to do better today.

Breakfast toast (100) peanut butter (210) jam (50). And we are out of milk, alas.

Today's lunch plan: ham and beans my mom made. Oh boy they look good!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever get it together

Yesterday: made sure I had soup available at work (not the optimum plan, but it works on mornings when I fail to make a great salad or something). But then it was a coworker's birthday celebration. Pizza, cake, ice cream. It was good and I was not as moderate as I ought to be if I want to lose weight.

At home there was leftover youth church stuff (ham/egg/cheese casserole and hash browns) and I ate in front of the computer, very distracted. Bad plan. There were seconds. It was delicious.

Had my bowl of oatmeal (150) just now with sugar (135) and milk (60). Old fashioned oatmeal is the bomb.

Truth: in this moment, success of any kind seems like such a remote possibility that I don't even want to try.

That, my friends, is called a Bad Attitude.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

is it failure if i keep on trying?

Okay so I let myself run off in the ditch Monday (cookies at work and then an amazing salad buffet at my mom's mother/daughter/sister/friend banquet = way too many calories fer sure).

And then yesterday...well, I was busy writing until it was time to walk out the door, so I failed to pack a lunch (immensely enjoyed the chicken casserole at the shelter, BTW)...and then of course it was Tuesday night youth church where I always, always eat too much perfectly wonderful food.

But now it's Wednesday, and as the song says, "I feel better just for spite." I had my oatmeal (150) with milk (60) and sugar (135) and the goal for the day is actually trying, not just glibly jumping off into naughty.

On another note, my numbers are back from that blood test, and they are mahvelous. I'm waiting for the page to arrive in the mail so that I can share all that good news.

Monday, May 11, 2009

returning to this practice once again

toast (100) w/1T peanut butter (100) & peach jam (50) and cup of skim milk (90)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

supper out

Supper tonight: TEXAS ROADHOUSE, baby! I got: sirloin shishkabob (sp?) on a bed of rice with a baked sweet potato drizzled with caramel sauce and covered in marshmallows. Also ate half the onion blossom ahead of time, and 2 of the sweetest, heaviest, yummiest dinner rolls with honey butter.

I only ate a little less than half of my dinner. That's the good news, calorie wise...and good news for my tomorrow lunch. The bad news is that even half of it was SURELY A LOT of calories. I am not going to look it up. It was worth it.

Been fasting since supper, so I can do my labs in the morning. My tongue knows the sirloin is in the fridge, and is begging for a nibble.

I will resist.

unexciting update

breakfast: grape nuts cereal (300) and skim milk (75) with sugar (135)

coffee w/sugar when i got to work (135)

lunch: can of tomato soup (225), 10 saltines (120), PB&J sandwich (370)

calories so far today: 1360

I have dinner plans with a friend I haven't seen in way too long. And I need to not eat after 6 pm, so that I can do my labs in the morning. Wonder if I'll make loss or just maintenance today...looking a little ominous. PB&J just sounded so darn good.

BTW I put my true weight into the calorie calculator last night, and actually my weight loss zone is at 1914 calories (38 higher than I thought before). Not that it matters, but it entertained me to find out.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

and the doc says....

My doctor is actually a nurse practitioner, and also happens to be one of the coolest human beings on planet earth. I stopped to see him after work tonight, to discuss whether I may or may not be diabetic.

Visiting the doctor means getting on the scales. While I was at it, I asked how much I weighed last time I was there (which was not long before the beginning of this blog, which was late February). The good news: I weigh 9 pounds less today than I did at the last visit. The bad news: At that last visit, I weighed 22 pounds more than my memory had said I did. Oy vey.

The excruciating current number is 278. I can't believe I am publishing it. Damn naked blog.

The doc and I discussed my life. I described my work and ministry schedules, general sleep patterns, and the way I carry others' pains in my heart. When we were done, he said, "Of course you are could you not be?" Then we had amazing conversation about God's intentions for us here on earth...moving in purpose and not by "shoulds"...heredity and aging...and What Really Matters in the Big Picture. He gave me permission to live and just be me, and did nothing even resembling a lecture. He's even higher on my hero list than he was this morning, and that is high praise indeed.

He also scheduled me a fasting glucose test, cholesterol labs, etc just to put numbers on a page for certainty (I'll probably do those Friday morning). He noted that in 2005 when I was terrified of diabetes and showing more alarming signs than now, my numbers were "exquisite" and that my blood pressure today was excellent.

Then he basically sent me back out to live on purpose.

I can do that.

calorie summary for the day

Well, I lost the battle against the baked goods at work. I complained to my coworker that they were calling my name, and she promptly delivered them to my desk. Note to self: don't complain about impulse control issues to coworker. I caved when those chocolate chocolate chip cookies were in front of me. (400) I did drink 2 bottles of water, in penance.

Supper was leftovers. Cheese ravioli w/onions, peppers, sauce and grated parmesan (270), along with garlic bread (300), homemade coleslaw (100), and skim milk (150).

Total calories so far: 2095. I have frozen fruit thawing in the kitchen, and I'm salivating over it. So I guess I'll enjoy it and just have a straight maintenance day.

sometimes success means trying for the zillionth time

Well I never did remember to come back to the 'puter yesterday to summarize, did I?

Perserverance is unlovely sometimes. I have been reminding myself today that when I started "cleaning up" spiritually it looked a lot like this: tons of good intentions, oceans of rebellious moments, failure upon failure upon mortifying failure, but also slow growth. I am a long way today from where I started on that process (about a decade ago). I need to keep at the business of "cleaning up" physically, even though I feel like I drop the ball continually.

I got a friendly reminder from an old high school friend this morning as I was about to walk out the door - an encouragement well good timed. Thanks, T!

This afternoon is my doctor appointment, where we will discuss whether I need a blood test. The good part: this means I can check my weight, too. The other good part: my doctor is the bomb! I actually look forward to conversations with him.

breakfast: cereal (120) and skim milk (50)

coffee w/sugar to start my work day (135)

strawberries for snack (30)

lunch: clam chowder (420) and saltines (120)...not good choices but I was hurrying and lazy as I figured out lunch before leaving this morning, so that's what went in the bag.

Calories so far today: 875

Note to self: I have not been drinking water all week. I need to get back on it.

There are lots of baked goods here at work today. I want them really badly. Grrrr.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

let's do this

Didn't sleep very well last night. Lots and lots of things on my mind. Woke at 4 to finish a blog that had been trying to find its way out since Saturday morning.

Just finished my peanut butter toast (peach jam yummm). Too low on milk to have any of that. Bummer. I will count calories later; the agenda for now is write down the darn food so I can't forget.

Didn't yet succeed...but trying, trying again.

summary of yesterday

I had so much on my mind that I forgot to eat breakfast, and forgot that I forgot until 11, when I was suddenly desperately hungry.

Behaved for lunch. Did drive-thru McDonalds, not even trying to be good, between work and my last ever City Council meeting. Quarter pound cheeseburger, fries, chocolate shake...I was bad as I wanted to be. After the meeting: lovely time at the former Mayor's house. Good food. I did not try to behave.

So much for accounability.

Monday, May 4, 2009

back again, back again, jiggity jig

Well I have neatly dodged 3 days of the diet blog. I feel a little silly even coming back here, with the failure rate I'm currently running, but I also feel like I can't just quit trying. I will face this thing and not ignore it.

I am getting a blood test to put to rest the question of whether I am diabetic. Didn't hear back from my doctor's nurse on that last Friday, so it's on today's agenda.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

on karen who is always tired

Well the purpose of this blog is that it keep me accountable. An unintended thing that has happened is that I've caused my mom and my daughter to worry about me.

Oops. Sorry, guys.

So Mom called me to express her concerns last night, and I was crabby and unreceptive (sorry, Mom). She is worried that my tiredness means maybe I'm following her and Grandma down the diabetic trail.

This is actually not a new thought to me; it's something I've been investigating, studying, and considering since around 2005. I have learned A LOT about diabetes over the years.

I've had a couple of the pricey, exhaustive blood studies in that time. So far, no red flags at all. So though I have expressed to my kids more than once the possibility that maybe I am pre-diabetic...thus far I haven't been enough to so register in a measurable way.

So what I'm going to do here is think through all the reasons that might be making me so tired...cuz Mom pointed out that one thing that does come through on the blog is my persistent tiredness. I generally learn a lot when I write; usually I know a lot more than I think I do. Let's see.

On Karen and Tiredness

Okay first of all, I think I have had a life long relationship with tiredness. My memories of our family vacations when I was a child include: loving to swim in the campground pool, being terrified of heights among a family who are all not, seeing completely cool and amazing things, and feeling like my legs were jelly and I Just Wanted To Sit Down almost everywhere we went. I have no idea whether I whined or not; can't remember.

And then there was when my aunt did a handwriting analysis on some of us when I was a teenager; she looked at mine and said that I was "a low energy person who conserved my energy to focus it on the things I most wanted to do." I remember everybody laughing and saying oh boy was THAT true.

I remember falling asleep while driving, all the time, when I worked at the Tastee Freez in high school. I developed some skills for recovering from nodding and pulling into/out of ditches. Somehow I never hurt myself, nor the truck.

I remember falling asleep in class in high school.

I remember falling asleep in class in college, so tired that I dreamed about sleeping.

When I was married, we watched a whole lot of TV and movies. I slept through almost all of it; this was a source of irritation for my husband, that I couldn't seem to get past the credits on most movies without nodding off.

During my depressive years, I responded to my tiredness by sleeping too more than half of the 24 hours given to me in a day...sometimes WAY more than half. It didn't make me less tired. It just made me more depressed.

I am anemic - enough so that when I was pregnant, I had to take a prenatal vitamin AND a huge iron pill, and I still measured low sometimes. When I used to donate blood regularly (before I had cancer), I failed more often than not because of my iron count.

I don't take vitamins. Oh, I MEAN to. I have them. I have a little daily container so I can remember. But I don't remember.

So I am almost certainly anemic, and almost certainly depleted in B vitamins.

My day: I wake up and write this and my grats. I drive 40 minutes. I work at a computer 8 hours. I drive 40 minutes. I have supper and then I do other seated things, whether it's working on the City computer, attending meetings/studies...the point is, I am not moving. This means I get zero exercise. Exercise = energy.

I wake up at 5 a.m....and I go to bed around 11 or midnight a whole lot of nights. I remember that when I was married, I got more like 8 or 9 hours of sleep; I think that's probably what my body wants. I haven't been able to manage more than 5 or 6 hours a night since the is just too full to sleep more than that.

~~~~end of those thoughts~~~~

I dunno if I am more tired now or just more vocal about it now. God has been taking me on a "getting real" journey for a number of years and I am learning to face emotions that I used to bury and truths that I used to dodge. I am learning to say who I am, even when I am sure people won't like it.

My hope has been that when I am done being City Clerk next week, I will start getting some down time and it will help with the tiredness. Looking back across my life like that, I'm not sure it will. Hmmm.

Okay this doesn't feel like it has been productive. But sometimes when I keep pondering, I find what I didn't see.

Off I go to ponder for my 40 minute drive.

yesterday: under the world instead of on top of it

Okay: yesterday was a bomb. I ate a great breakfast and lunch and was Very Good until I left work.


I got several bits of incredibly hard news yesterday, any one of which would have sent me to my knees and crying...and they stacked high by the time I got off work. So I walked out the door, drove straight to McDonalds, dug the change out of my car console to purchase a hot fudge sundae with nuts, and then had a good cry in the car.

Some of my hard news was also my daughter's hard news, and so we both were in a funk. So yeah....we got taco pizza and zoned out in front of Nancy Drew, despite having stuff we needed to do and better eating plans we should have stuck to. I ate a lot of taco pizza.

So. Yesterday is behind me, and I'm not counting its calories...just noting that I tanked.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

failure, though not on epic proportions

So my total after lunch was a little under 1200 (yes, I am so lazy I'm not going back to add it again). I stayed tired and icky all day, despite taking Aleve twice (I never take it more than once a day in general).

Tuesday nights are always a downfall for me cuz I love the food at youth church. When I got there this afternoon, I was in a mood about some stuff and then there were chocolate chip cookies on the counter. They were not great but they were cookies. I ate wayyyy to many of them, thinking to myself, "I am angry, I am tired, I feel crappy, I want a cookie," until I noticed that my friend the pastor had left out baby carrots for me.


So I ate carrots too. But I am pretty sure there is no amount of carrot-eating that can make up for cookie-eating.

Having blown it, I then feasted freely on supper, which I will not even try to count calories for.

The good news: I resisted brownies with ice cream for dessert.

Tomorrow is a new day. For tonight, I am in bed, safely away from further temptation.

send the waa-mbulance for me

When it was time to leave this morning, I was in such full yuck mode that I couldn't summon packing lunch. I stood and stared in the fridge, feeling my stomach ache, and was just overwhelmed. Walked out the door without my lunch, without my driver's license, without my debit card. 40 minutes in the car feeling like I just wanted to turn around and go back home to bed. Aleve banished the girlish part of my woes, at least enough to function.

coffee with sugar when I got to work (135)

Improvised lunch with what was here. PB&J sandwich (370) and ramen noodle soup (380). I'm pretty sure that the fact that those are on my "comfort food" list means I am white trash....

...I can live with that.

breakfast today

toast (100) w/smucker's peanut butter (175) and crab apple jelly (50) with 3/4 cup skim milk (75)

My stomach ache is back. I think it's the one I get when I am way too tired.

I think that means I'll have it until May 5.

At least there is an end in sight.

yesterday summary

I came home last night, rested for about half an hour while talking with my daughter, and then retreated to my bedroom for a little over six more hours working on the computer (almost done being City Clerk and I'll be FREE FREE FREE from these marathon interludes with the City laptop YAY!) Though it was work, being shut away alone in a quiet room with my radio playing great teachers was still relaxing, and I felt substantially less horrible by 11:15 pm when I finally quit.
supper: chili (287) dog (130) on bun (110) with cheese (40) and a glass of lemonade (200)

bedtime snack of cottage cheese (200)

Total for the day: 1927

That's about 50 calories over goal, which is not bad for first day back to this and me feeling like death warmed over twice.

Monday, April 27, 2009

that good old monday i am road kill feeling...

About 2 pm I started feeling like death. A stone was surely in my stomach; how else to explain that feeling? Tired to the point of almost nodding off at my desk, despite being reasonably busy. Hard to think clearly. Where is my bed?

I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (370) in hopes it might help (I packed a lunch this morning but no"extras" so I am stuck with making something that's was that or ramen, and I didn't feel like cooking).

Total calories so far today: 1160. This means I can still make goal if I watch it.

I still feel like death, though.

hanging in there

Had my usual coffee with sugar when I got to work - needed the caffeine desperately. (135)

I was SO HUNGRY this morning...not unusual for a Monday. Being "off routine" for any amount of time sends me into hungry land. I didn't realize how hungry I was until almost 10:30 so I just waited and had lunch at 11.

1/2 a huge baked potato w/salt & pepper (140)
1 cup broccoli steamed (25) w/parmesan sprinkled (10)
1 apple (100)
bottle of water

Calories so far today: 790

My stomach hurts. Not in a hungry way. It just hurts. I don't usually have trouble processing fresh foods. Hmm.

I also have a bad case of Monday tired and scatter brained. Long, busy week ahead. I need to focus on just doing "now" and letting "later" take care of itself.

back in the saddle...again

Okay so the 30 Hour Famine is behind. It was an incredible experience...God lets me do the coolest stuff!

Yesterday I thought like a fat person and said to myself, well today is Sunday and we'll just start with a new week tomorrow. I wasn't horrible but I also wasn't very careful. Time to make that new start.

Breakfast this morning: 1/2 cup grape nuts 200, 1/2 cup skim milk 45, and 3 tbsp sugar 135.

The weekend was one long race, so I did not find the time to make salads and have a plan for my lunches this week. Guess I'd better go figure out what I am taking.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

still derailed, fasting soon, and just in case/in time

Yup, I am currently still derailed...I do great throughout the day,and then I blow it pretty much every night.

This Friday night and Saturday, I am participating in a "30 hour famine" with my youth groups. At this point, I am approaching this in my usual way (which, I presume, is not good, just based on results to date): my fast will be a "restart" and I'll try again after that.

In the meanwhile, I read an article on the difference between "just in time" thinking and "just in case" thinking...the gist of it (when applied to weight loss) is lots of us overweight people get here at least in part because we eat extra "just in case" we might get hungry later if we don't. People with appropriate weight are more likely to know that there will be something else good to eat "just in time"...which works where I live (this article was not considering places where people are starving to death).

Pondering that and asking God to help me re-shift my thinking.

Friday, April 17, 2009


Hey, it's Friday night and I have been WAY zoned out on the naked blog. And on making good choices. I do GREAT until I get off work, then I race off into the ditch at full speed. Today I didn't even do great at work...there were eclairs in the fridge and OH GOLLY did I enjoy mine. Then after I got groceries at Sam's Club on the way home from work: KFC while I drove. 3 chicken strips, mashed potatoes & gravy, potato wedges, biscuit, and a full-sugar root beer. The part where my spork fell under my car seat on the interstate was especially delightful.

Oh golly.

Gotta turn around and move in the other direction. I can't just let this slide.....

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

focus, karen: do not quit

Hummmm I missed yesterday on this blog, didn't I?

It was a typical Tuesday...I was good all day till I got to youth church, and then I enjoyed my food too much. The added problem: someone put homemade chocolate chip cookies IN MY HANDS when I got there (yeah, PC, they were a little light on the chips but still.....) and I was definitely not in resistant mode.

The stuff from work continues to challenge my ability to stay on target. I am definitely grieving something I cannot even talk about here (at this point I am wondering when I will stop crying about it so much), and struggling with something else that is also confidential. Shelter work pretty consistently breaks my heart, but then there are these passages where it goes way beyond breaking. Gonna keep on walking and praying and this too shall pass...but in truth food is an even bigger struggle right now than usual. Undoing a lifetime of "food is my refuge" is, at least in my case, not a smooth or seamless process.

This morning: nice bowl of cereal 160 and skim milk 5o.

The only way to do this is one hour...sometimes on minute at a time.

Monday, April 13, 2009

much bigger issue than food

Okay so supper was an enormous pile of pasta and a generous hunk of garlic bread.

I definitely went to food and asked it to push the hurt of the world the point of painfully full.

It did dull the edges.

It was the wrong place to go for comfort. I had this whole conversation with myself while eating, hearing myself say not to do it, and hearing myself answer that I would do it anyway.

Idol worship...that's really what that is. God...Christ...Holy Spirit...therein lies my comfort. Not food. I know this. Tonight, I have not practiced this.

So now I need to repent, only in truth tonight I don't feel repentance. I feel a dulled edge on the excruciating pain of a day that was just beyond my limits, and for now that is where I am.

I, my mug of hot chocolate, and my laptop are now retreating to bed. The Lord and I will work it out tomorrow...or from the tears that are returning yet again, I think maybe tonight.

such a hard day

coffee with sugar when i got to work 135

hard boiled egg 77

mixed nuts 170

can of soup 140
10 saltines 120

apple 100

chocolate chip cookie 210

bottle of water

Some days at the shelter are hard...some days are excruciating. I cried most of the way home and really all I want to do is go to bed. Hence the cookie (my current truth, right or wrong: it was very good and comforting too in my extreme upset).

Total calories today: 1102.

I am still absolutely underwater with trying to process the day. It will be a challenge not to blow it tonight.

monday here i come

I didn't even try to count yesterday. I suspect I came out okay, but I just wasn't in the mode.

This morning: the bottom of the frosted mini wheats box has been found, alas.

Cereal 100, skim milk 50.

And off to work on a rainy day!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

not counting just now

Daughter and I did supper last night while we were laundromatting. Subway turkey sandwich followed up by a strawberry/banana ice cream cone (waffle style) from our new local ice cream joint. I started to look at the Subway site this morning, but it's Easter and that chart is huge. I am deciding that since I was at less than 800 calories before that, it surely all came out fine in the end.

Today is Resurrection Day - the reason I rejoice even in those spaces when life is impossibly hard. Thank you Jesus for what You've done for me.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

2 pm saturday summary

Okay so I think I did okay last night. Daughter and I went out for supper and split Sicilian bread and mozzarella sticks. Good stuff!

Wandered out of my bedroom at nearly 11 this morning, having slept in a bit (was up till 2 a.m.) and then spent time reading, praying, worshiping all in bed with my laptop.

Breakfast was an omelet/skillet thing. It was most excellent. Daughter and I agree that omelet is an art, not a science. Mine included:

3 eggs (homegrown, even) 231
1/2 potato 80
green olives 25
black olives 50
onion 10
tomato 10
mushrooms 5
bell pepper 5
banana pepper 5
1/4 oz assorted shredded cheese (mozzarella, asiago, and quesadilla) 45
margarine and olive oil 120

Also had some black grapes 15

and hot cocoa 150

Total so far today: 751. This day should be do-able.

Friday, April 10, 2009

pre-supper summary

coffee w/sugar 135

1 oz nuts 170 (for rare mid-morn hungries)

can of soup 160
8 saltines 96
enormous orange 70
bottle of water

ice cream cone from mcdonalds on the drive home 150

calories so far today 1056...real potential to meet goal today!

better rested this morning


Had my usual (for this week) breakfast of frosted mini wheats (200) and skim milk (75).

Went to bed at something like 9 pm last night, just too wiped out from a series of late nights and busy days. Feeling much better this morning. I suspect I'll be much less tempted today, since I'm not walking around tired out of my mind.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

made it through chocolate temptation

coffee w/sugar 135

can of soup 140
8 saltines 96
banana 100
bottle of water

My coworkers were sorting Easter baskets for a long time today; I got chocolate on my brain and it was NOT PRETTY. Ate half my little bucket of carrots (probably 200 calories' worth) and had a bottle of water w/sugar free lemonade mix in it. A coworker pointed out this "doesn't satisfy" her and I can't argue. But I wasn't going for "satisfied" - I was going for survival.

nuts on the way home 1 oz 170
and bottle of water

supper tacos
3 flour shells 330
1/4 can refried beans 140
leftover mexican rice 75
black olives 40
tomatoes 25
lettuce 5
tabasco sauce negligible

1 cup skim milk 90

Total for the day 1821

Guess I'll skip that apple crisp that's calling my name on the kitchen table!

running out the door late but here's breakfast

shredded frosted wheat (200) and skim milk (75)

I did not try to track the calories for the Seder meal last night, but I think I came in quite nicely.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

link for good article and totals for the day so far

Great article here on body image and faith.

Okay so the problem is it's great to WANT to track as I go, but my workdays are consistently too hectic to do so just now (I only take the 5 minutes to blog if it's actually not going to short change my employer).

Let's see if I can reconstruct, before I head out to the Seder Supper.

shredded wheat 200
skim milk 75

coffee w/sugar 135

can of soup 140
10 saltines 120
banana 100
bottle of water

apple 100

hard boiled egg w/salt n pepper 77

bowl of cereal 160
skim milk 45


I have consumed 1152 calories today. If I will be reasonable tonight, my total for the day should be quite acceptable.

Here's to being reasonable.

trudge, trudge, trudge

Gosh. I am really not doing this well.

Hurrying off to work but here's a rough estimate of my yesterday:

coffee/sugar 135

can of soup 160
10 saltines 120
banana 100
bottle of water

oz of nuts 170
apple 100
bottle of water

1.5 cups chili mac w/cheese in it (no earthly idea)
1/2 cup applesauce
piece of cherry pie (it just looked soooooooo good)
10 oz lemonade

bowl of cereal 160
1/2 cup skim milk 45

I don't know my supper totals but I can look at that day and know it wasn't a weight loss day.

I am noticing that I miss items when I wait till the next day to do the whole blog. Heaven only knows what I forgot on this entry but I keep noticing the next day or something that I forgot an item. I need to get back to real-time tracking.

Tonight is the Seder Supper at my daughter's church, so I wonder how well I'll be able to track.

Here's to reaching for getting it right.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

breakfast total before running off to work

frosted mini wheats (200) and skim milk (75)

mini wheats have SIX GRAMS of fiber in one serving - in case you don't know, that is GOOD!

yesterday: busy but successful

Well I had a meeting last night right after work that kept me out till past my bedtime. And then this morning I went and voted, which has taken away from my blogging time too! Darn it. I wonder if I can reconstruct yesterday...

coffee/sugar 135

can of soup 140
10 saltines 120
banana 100
bottle of water

oz of nuts 170

mcdonalds chicken caesar salad w/balsamic dressing 220
diet soda
bottle of water

3 tacos
shells 330
beans 140
cheese 80
leftover mexican rice 75
salsa 25
olives 40

grapes 30

Calories for the day: 1880! Hey, that's spot on....on a day with no break in it. How cool is that?

The only down side is the tacos and grapes were at 11 pm...not a good time to be eating.

Oh well.

Monday, April 6, 2009

doh! and beginning again..and again...and again...

Well shucks. Yesterday I didn't blog at all here, did I? The good news is I didn't have a calorie blowout. The bad news is I think I was probably right at maintenance...I sure am having a lot of maintenance days lately.

Not going to try and backtrack and count. Just going to begin again today.

Breakfast frosted shredded mini wheats (200) and skim milk (75).

Bag is loaded down with good choices and off I go to work.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

9:45 and up to my elbows in work on a saturday night...what's wrong with this picture?

Taking a break after about 5 hours of working (hey, isn't this supposed to be my Saturday?!)

Let's see if I can recap the day.

Diet Dr. Pepper on the way to birthday party.

small turkey sandwich with 1 tsp mayo (125)
small sweet pickle (35)
small dill pickle (3)
1 carrot stick (3)
1 broccoli piece (3)
a few doritos (100)
pink lemonade (100)
birthday cake (250)

1 piece sicilian pizza (300)

Total calories thus far: 1269. Little wonder that I'm so hungry; I thought I was just having work avoidance issues, so I've been ignoring my tummy! Think I'll have a nice snack.

breakfast in bed and other stuff that's not that interesting either

Saturdays are my decompress time. That surely sounds very lazy to some, but Monday through Friday I hustle most of the time that I am awake, with after-work commitments that mean I'm not a come home and veg in front of the TV person. I get almost zero time for reflection through the week, and I am definitely built for reflection. Saturday is reflection day.

I sleep in, though generally I wake up at 5 to listen to a great hour of radio programming and then go back to slumber land. I stay in bed with my laptop, reading and on really good weeks also writing.

So it's 11:10 a.m. and I am still in bed, though I have worked out tomorrow's Sunday school lesson and tinkered with some City Hall stuff I absolutely have to get done this weekend. I've also read a ton of things that interested me, just because I wanted to. Sadly, this is the first writing I have done for the day.

And in the midst of it I had a great big bowl of frosted mini wheats (260) and skim milk (90) while surrounded in pillows and covers. There is good food in the house because I hit Sam's Club on the way home from work last night...$229 later, the choices are nicer than they were this time yesterday!

Soon I need to get up and get to the meat market, and then I have a birthday party to attend for 2 of my nieces. Tonight I'll work on that City Hall stuff in front of old episodes of Smallville (we borrow seasons of it from a friend and I always watch that while doing paperwork stuff...and OY there is a lot of paperwork stuff in my life).

Stopping now to blog this in an attempt to do the day intentionally, and not make lousy food choices just from not paying attention.

Friday, April 3, 2009

another day in the tank

I seem to be determined not to keep up with this thing. Hmph.

oatmeal 150
banana 100
sugar 135
skim milk 25

coffee w/sugar 135

can of soup 200
8 saltines 96
bottle of water

apple 100

enormous diet coke

3 bread sticks 520
1 piece cheese crisp 160
1.5 pieces sicilian pizza 450

Total for the day 2071

Huge news blast: I am not feeling this diet thing.

Tomorrow's agenda: kick my own butt.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I can relate to pig...

Hmmm. Another day away from the blog. Let's see if I can reconstruct. I think I did okay....

oatmeal 150
banana 100
sugar 135
skim milk 25

coffee w/sugar 135

2 kiwi 92

can of soup 200
10 saltines 120
bottle of water

apple 100

banana bread 184

pork steak cooked w/tomatoes, mushrooms, sweet peppers, banana peppers, onions 300
rice cooked w/tomatoes, chilis, corn, chili beans 225
green beans 25
bread 160
1 cup skim milk 90

Total for the day: 2041

Grrrr. Not running nearly hard enough to catch up with that wagon, much less get back on it....

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

okay this will do

Coffee with sugar 135

can of soup 220
10 crackers 120
bottle of water

apple 100

hard boiled egg with salt n pepper 77

1/3 lb hamburger (yeah, that's really what I said) 260
on bun 120
3/4 cup basmati rice 150
soy sauce 10
stir fried mushrooms and peppers 70

So the good news is my calories look like 1672 if I counted right.

The bad news is last night I ate more than I remembered...there were 2 small brownies and one big bowl of applesauce on that list I definitely went over.

Ah well. As my daughter pointed out tonight, shaving over 1000 calories per day off my average is nothing to sneeze at.

Forward ho.

breakfast - just the facts

oatmeal 150
sugar 135
banana 100
skim milk 25

almost made it and then gave into temptation

Okay yesterday post-breakfast recap:

coffee w/sugar 135

can of soup 220
10 saltines 120

apple 100

2 hard boiled eggs 154 (probably too high since they were home grown eggs and therefore Very Very Small, but we'll go with it)

1 fried chicken breast 218
1.5 pieces panera bread 225
1/3 cup gravy from a mix 50
1/2 cup green beans with bacon 60
10 oz lemonade 120

1/2 cup apple crisp 320 (ouch!)
1/2 cup cool whip 128

Total calories for the day: 2260.

Alas, if I had just resisted that apple crisp....

...but in truth, I didn't feel like resisting.

So it was a maintenance day and not a loss day. Note to self: if they are ALL maintenance days, one does not lose weight.


Tuesday, March 31, 2009

get back on that pony and ride

Okay so I sort of dodged responsible dieting this weekend. Pretty tired of salad, pretty tired of thinking about every single thing I eat, and basically I just let a bad attitude have my weekend.

The good thing is I don't believe either day was a 5,000 calorie blowout. I think I was somewhere in the neighborhood of maintenance or just above it.

Yesterday I was better, though I am hurrying this morning and not taking the time to count calories retroactively. It was a very full day, with work and then my late-night Bible study...when I finally got to bed around 11:30 I didn't feel like doing the reconstruct.

This is where the rubber meets the road in a life change. My jeans fit so much better and I'm bored with thinking of food when there are so much more interesting things to think of and it would be easy to just quit. AGAIN.

Picking the naked blog back up in hopes of kicking my own butt over my self-made mountain of resistance.

Breakfast oatmeal (150) banana (100) sugar (135) skim milk (25).

And off I go, before I manage to be late for work.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

end of an acceptable day

snack: 20 baby carrots (100)

supper out: 2 breadsticks w/marinara (300)
stuffed pizza - 2 small pieces (400)

snack: low fat frozen yogurt (160)

1959 for the day.

hey, that'll do!

Friday, March 27, 2009

quick day-so-far summary between tasks

breakfast: cereal (260) and milk (68)

coffee w/sugar at work (135)

attended a 1st birthday party at the shelter - chocolate cake! (235)

salad (141) and baked potato (160) for lunch

total calories so far today: 999

looking for my baby carrots....

Thursday, March 26, 2009

late yummy supper

Home at 8. Terrible time to eat! But I was so hungry that not eating was not an option.

Improvised tacos:

3 corn shells (150)
refried beans (200)
1 oz cheddar cheese (170)
sliced olives (25)
salsa (10)
romaine (2)
onions (2)

Total for the day so far: 1719

early evening count

Just got home from the shelter and now heading to do more work at City Hall. Quick update first.

Coffee w/sugar when I got to work (135)

Salad w/lite balsamic (140)
hard boiled egg w/salt n pepper (77)
baked potato w/salt n pepper (160)
bottle of water

Snack: apple (100)

Snack: 20 grapes (60)

Calories so far today: 1160

And off I go.

downsizing, ill-fitting jeans and breakfast

My washer is now deceased.

Happily, I have been offered a replacement; I just have to make the time and borrow a truck to go get it. In the meanwhile, it presents a wardrobe dilemma this morning; my usual stuff is all piled high in a basket.

I got down 4 pairs of jeans from the top of my closet - things I haven't been able to wear for a number of months.

One of them fits! Hooray!

And 2 thumbs up for this bonus fact: the pair that fits come from back when jeans actually fit right! Today, my underwear will not show if I sit down without first hiking my jeans and tugging my shirt down. Today, I will not have to pull my pants up every time this body moves. I'm pretty psyched about that.

I keep hoping one of these days the fashion police will relent on making all of us wear a style of jeans that only look good on tiny people. I mean...I'm gonna look fat no matter what I wear at this point; it's the nature of carrying 100 extra pounds. But these darn low riding jeans, especially in combination with shirts that are nowhere near long enough anymore, make a whole lot of very reasonably, even nicely shaped ladies look...well...FAT.

Now that I have established myself as hopelessly old and out of touch, on to breakfast:

cereal (260) and milk (68)

Today promises to be a hectic one at work. Off to enjoy 25 quiet minutes before I get in the car.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

food summary for the day so far

Coffee w/sugar to start my work morning (135)
bottle of water

salad w/lite balsamic vinaigrette but alas, no feta (91)
baked potato w/salt & pepper (160)
hard boiled egg w/salt & pepper (77)
bottle of water

Snack: 2 kiwi (92)

Snack: McDonalds fruit & yogurt parfait (160)
glass of ice water

1.5 cups basmati rice (255)
3 cups chicken stir fry (301)
1 tbsp soy sauce (10)
1 cup skim milk (90)

Total so far: 1699

Might be done for the day. Might snack.

feeling less condemned this morning, and the rule of changing up

Okay last night at another midnight-ish bedtime, I felt pretty bad when I ran my total and it was so much higher than my weight loss number for calories.

But this morning I realize that I still was 40ish calories under maintenance. I am choosing to decide a maintenance day is nothing to feel horrible about. This is a life change, not a speed diet, and some days maintaining has to be good enough.

On a slightly related note, I was talking to my mom last night and she mentioned that the newest research (oh yeah, we do love the newest research in our family!) shows that keeping one's body on the exact same routine every day is a surefire way to re-set it. For instance, if I eat exactly 1500 calories every day, my body decides that's what we will live on, and it stops losing. If I do the same workout every day, ditto. I've called our bodies miraculously made more than once, and this is a great example of that! If I lived in a situation where I couldn't get more food, my body would basically decide to survive at that level (within reason - people do indeed starve to death in this world, but not under the conditions I am living!)

So the theme of the above paragraph is: change up, if you want to keep losing! I appreciate that word.

Also: I realized yesterday that my calorie markers will change as I lose weight (duh), so I can't put off the scale indefinitely. I mentioned this to a fellow diet sufferer, who dutifully offered a scale (doh!) and I did try it out. Clearly it weighs differently than my doctor's office, OR I got the wrong number in my head the last time I was in to see the doc. My friend's scale had me heavier than when I started, and that just doesn't seem possible to me since I have clothes fitting so much better. I'm thinking I'll call my doc's office and just ask if I can stop by and weigh...seems like that should be okay to support my overall health, right?

(No, I don't want to buy a scale!)

Breakfast: Cereal is working swimmingly (proof that my body changes) so I'm having it again. 1.5 cups (260) with .75 cup skim milk (68).

Happy hump day, all.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

biggish total

Hmmm I didn't have internet access most of the day. Let's see if I can reconstruct enough to do a calorie count.

Coffee w/sugar in the morning (135)

awesome salad (140)
hard boiled egg w/salt & pepper (77)
med. baked potato w/salt & pepper (160)
diet soda

Snack: 10 baby carrots (50)
diet soda (needing the caffeine)

Snack: apple (100)

Snack: 3 chocolate sandwich cookies (375)

Supper: chicken noodle soup, pimped out (450 best guess)
panera bread 2 small slices (250)
5 saltines (50)
10 oz grape kool aid (100)
1/2 cup rainbow sherbet (130)

Total for the day: 2345

Ouch! Looks like tomorrow I need to be very good!

allergies, interrupted sleep, and breakfast

Allergy season has hit me. I'm not going to pretend I hailed its coming with strength - I was one major Whiner Baby about it last night! I just want my body to be well and whole and not continually suffering some malfunction! Made good friends with the Kleenex box and found my 24-hour claritin. Now I'm less drippy but that stuff definitely interferes with my sleep.

Accidentally stayed up till almost midnight last night (a combination of the momentum I had going on a work project I was doing, and the effects of the medicine, and interest in old Smallville episodes on the telly). Hating morning more than usual just now.

I noticed yesterday that my cereal breakfast did not send me into carb overdrive, so I'm trying that again now.

Breakfast: 1.5 cups cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats, to be precise) (260) and .75 cup of skim milk (68).

Off to greet the day.

Monday, March 23, 2009

i love stir fry

1 cup basmati rice (170)
stir-fry consisting of 1 cup chicken breast (231) and 2 cups mixed veggies (onions, red and green bell peppers, brussels sprouts, broccoli, carrots, cauliflower) (40) cooked in sesame oil (30) and topped with 1 tbsp soy sauce (10)

Calories so far: 1570. And I haven't been hungry today!

Built beautiful salads for myself and daughter for the rest of our week's lunches tonight.

i didn't derail the train so far today...

Coffee when I got to work with sugar (135)

Salad (romaine, tomatoes, green olives, sweet peppers, feta cheese, lite balsamic vinaigrette dressing) (111)
Hard boiled egg w/salt & pepper (77)
Medium baked potato w/salt & pepper (160)
bottle of water

Snack on the way home - apple (100)

Snack when I got home - 1/2 oz cheddar cheese (95) & 5 snack crackers (75)

Total so far today: 1089 and only supper to go. Looks to be a good daily total ahead!

monday monday

Breakfast: 1.5 cups cereal (260) and .75 cup skim milk (68).

Got the bag loaded down with lunch goodness.

Here comes Monday!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

snack while chillaxin

1 cup frozen yogurt with a splash of root beer (200)

Total for the day 1798.


post-supper count

Snack:  10 oz. hot cocoa at youth group (190)

Supper: more tacos!
1/8 lb meat 100

1/8 can of refried beans 61
1/2 oz quesadilla cheese 45
2 flour tortillas 110 each for a total of 220
.5 cup homemade fresh salsa 12
1/4 cup lettuce 2

Total so far for the day: 1598.

No nausea today. And not as
tired as I was this morning!

I am realizing that while I drank a
bottle of water in the night,
I haven't touched it today. I need to do better.

perhaps i'm about to move beyond whining....

Breakfast today: 1.5 cups cereal (260)
and .75 cups skim milk (68).

Coffee at Sunday School with 3 tbsp sugar (135).

Lunch: leftover tacos! YAY!
1/8 lb meat 100
1/8 can of refried beans 61
1/2 oz quesadilla cheese 45
5 hard corn shells 50 each for a total of 250
1.5 cups homemade fresh salsa 37
1/2 cup lettuce 4
1 tbsp black olives 8
diet sprite

Total for the day so far: 968.

Today, I am not nauseous. Three cheers!
Still pretty tired, but at least I can feel
me advancing.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

all in one - here's my saturday

1 bowl old fashioned oatmeal 150
3 tbsp sugar 135
1/4 cup skim milk 22
banana 100

1/3 box of mac n cheese
made w/skim milk & 1/2 the butter 340
1/2 cup cottage cheese 110
diet sprite

Fruit n yogurt parfait from McDonalds 160
glass of ice water

1/4 lb meat (very lean ground beef w/chili powder) 197

1/4 can of refried beans (not the lowfat kind) 122
1 oz quesadilla cheese 90
1 soft flour shell 110
3 hard corn shells 50 each for a total of 150
1 cup homemade fresh salsa 25
1/2 cup lettuce 4
1 tbsp black olives 8
1 oz guacamole 60
diet sprite

Total calories for the day 1783

Still some queasies today (which is why the strange lunch)
but not as many. Awfully tired though.

But still managed to get quite a bit done today.
And feeling good tonight.

Friday, March 20, 2009

end of the day: squishy tummy and thoughts on too few calories

Snack when I got home, sooooooo hungry: 1.5 cups cereal (260) and .75 cup skim milk (68). It was good, but I was still very hungry.

Supper later - the only thing that sounded comforting: pot pie (300) and 1 cup skim milk (90). Made me instantly queasy as soon as I finished it. Guess sounding comforting ain't good enough.

Total calories today: 1372.

I am a little worried about my calories being so consistently low while I'm feeling so punk. My recommended weight loss calories are 1876. While once upon a time doctors thought a 1000 calorie weight loss diet was for everyone, since then they have learned that the count has to be set by both body weight and activity levels. My body weight is high, so my calorie level, even for weight loss, is high.

Contrary to what might "make sense" to us, that going lower equals losing faster, the truth is that going too low sends our miraculously made bodies into survival mode. In that mode, our bodies hang onto the fat for all they are worth. Therefore, lower calories can equal slower weight loss.

Man, I'd hate to be slowing my weight loss right now!


'Nuther hustling morning, after a horrible struggle to stay awake on the road coming into work. Hit desperately hungry about 10:30 and ate 2 hard boiled eggs with salt and pepper (154). Bottle of water.

Lunch: ramen noodle soup (380). Bottle of water.

Total for the day so far: 654.

I know I am being a nutritional nightmare right now. Just trying to quiet the tummy.

Still tired.

sleepy bad attitude beginning

Breakfast whole grain toast (100), tsp homemade peach jam (20), diet root beer because it's the only thing bubbly here that sounds manageable. Losing my sense of humor on this stomach thing, and way beyond tired of being as tired as I am just now.

If you looked up "in a funk" in the dictionary just now, you could see my picture.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

wiped out

I'm in bed, and couldn't be gladder (not a word and I don't care) to be here.

Struggled not to nod off while driving to work. The struggle came earlier than usual and was harder to fight off than usual. Oy. I gotta turn this around.

Working in a domestic violence shelter sometimes feels almost like a "normal" job, but today was not one of those days. It's a crisis center, and today it was one long crisis. I couldn't get lunch till 1:15, which was mostly fine because my stomach didn't get better. Had another can of chicken noodle soup (220). Drank 2 bottles of water at work.

On the way home I was wiped out, emotional, and really hungry. I counted my calories for the day and realized I could do some stress eating, if I was careful. Drove through McDonalds and got a cheeseburger (310) and an ice cream cone (150) and an ice water. Felt almost better after that, though I almost nodded off again on the drive home.

Dinner at my parents' tonight to see my brother again...last time I'll see him before he goes home tomorrow. Had 7 oz steak from the grill (500), 1 oz grilled catfish (30), slice of grilled portabella mushroom (10), 1/2 cup frozen fruit mix (40), 1/2 cup cottage cheese (116), and 1/2 cup a sugar-free dessert (30) my sister made with a bit of fruit in it. Most numbers in this paragraph are very rough estimates. The food was amazing and delicious, but my stomach definitely got worse immediately after eating...I guess I should have had another can of soup instead.

Calories for the day: 1626.

Came home at 8 pm to get in bed, because I just felt too icky to be around people one minute longer. Not "sick"...just incredibly tired and uncomfortably nauseous.

my body is talking, and i am listening

Tis another queasy morning. Bowl of chicken noodle soup is waiting for me to work up the courage. I'll go ahead and count the (220) on the presumption that I'm gonna do it.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

exquisite dinner

Tonight the Swank posse, minus the minors, enjoyed a nice dinner at the Livermore, which is unquestionably the nicest restaurant in my town. I am happy to report that I behaved Pretty Darn Well.

1 honey glazed chicken breast (250) with 1 tbsp walnuts (50)
1/2 cup wild rice (100 calories)
1/2 cup roasted green beans (40)
1/2 cup cottage cheese (116)
and ice water with lemon

I have even have leftovers to take for lunch cool is that?!

Ummm I think I also had another (100) calories' worth of 7up in the afternoon. Really didn't feel snacky because everything available made my tummy hurt to think of it.

Total calories for the day: 1409.

I'm a little hungry, but I'm in bed, so I think maybe I'm done.

recovery sometimes sucks, but it's better than being sick

Okay so I rode out the consequences of my breakfast and just let me be very clear: I got the message. Listen to my body. Didn't I just write about that?! Apparently I am still a slow learner...

Way sleepy too, this morning. Hard to make it to work without nodding off in traffic.

Being nice to me today, after that bit of hard-headedness this morning. I sipped another (100) calories' worth of 7up through the morning, and had a can of chunky chicken noodle soup for lunch (220) with the last 4 saltines in my drawer (48).

I cannot tolerate water just now (bleh, I shudder just thinking of it), though my almost complete alienation from "the little room" is a clear indicator of dehydration. Sipping that 7up and working up the courage to do the right thing. Body. Needs. Water. Just do it, Karen!

Total calories so far today: 753 and not craving anything at all.

early and elvis-ish

Starting out pretty icky this morning, but I am confident that will pass. When I was pregnant with my son (who is now 19), I was morning-noon-and-night sick for the entire nine months, including in the delivery room. The leftover effect of that is that my body sometimes plays "morning sick" for awhile after I've had a round of stomach stuff. It's trying to bully me this morning, but it'll shut up soon enough.

Confident of that, I had this breakfast: whole grain toast (100), 1 tbsp smuckers (105), 1 small banana (90), (yeah call me Elvis, I like peanut butter and banana) and 1 cup skim milk (90).

Slightly regretting challenging the nausea just now. It'll pass. It'll pass.

I hope.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

much mo betta

So I got through my afternoon, though I did wish for my bed approximately every 4 seconds. Skipped youth church tonight and went right to my parents' house to see my nieces one last time while they are here visiting. Sat out on the front porch, watching them play, and that fresh spring air really did it for me...just blew my yuckies away. HALLELUJAH!!!

Supper out as one very large, very loud, very fun group (you KNOW when the Swanks walk in the room, all 14 of us and no one serious in the whole bunch)!

I had already had another 100 calories' worth of 7up when I got there. Had diet soda and 2 square pieces of pizza (one all meat, one everything in the house). I am supposing it was 500ish calories worth.

That puts me at 1410 for the day, and this tummy don't want no mo.

toughing it out - lunch report

How can it be only noon? Oh golly, where is my bed?

7up this morning 2 cups (200)

Lunch: can of chicken noodle soup (220), 10 saltines (120), 1/2 cup 7up (50).

Total calories for the day: 810.

There is not a choice of "what to eat" at this time - I will be eating what my stomach will permit.

Back to attempting productivity.


my tummy is mad at me

It was okay when I first woke up, but the effort of showering sent it into yuck land and here I am. Coming into the kitchen, it threatened to take the situation over.


Summary from yesterday: I ate 10 saltines before bed, so that bumps my count up another (120) for a day's total of 1440. I have no idea if that's good or bad on a day that I mostly slept, but I suspect that my body's ummm activity canceled all of it anyway.


Breakfast today: one slice whole grain toast (100) and a 1 tsp homemade peach jam (20) with a cup of 7up (100).

Not doing this day is not an option, so we're gonna do it.

Monday, March 16, 2009

one wasted day of my life

Today I have mostly slept, with short intervals of being (sort of) awake.

I have eaten:

2 packages of chicken ramen soup (not at the same time, but I have no earthly idea other than one was sort of "lunch" and one was sort of "supper"): 760

3 pint glasses of grape kool aid: 360

1 pint glass of 7up: 200

Calories for this almost-sleep-only day, so far: 1320

Diddling with the Wii, making lots of Miis because I am too exhausted to do anything that takes actual effort. Think I'll test and see if I can do it reclining.

being sick sucks

Yesterday I went from "fine" to "hmmmm something's not quite right" to "oh golly kill me now" in a very short period of time (unfortunately I was in the midst of a large family gathering when it hit me).

Stomach stuff is no fun. Up every 20 minutes or so in the night. In between stumbling, wobbly dashes for the bathroom, I was under 3 comforters with that strange feeling of "I am burning hot but I can't get warm no matter how hard I try." I presume that was a fever.

I hope I didn't infect others. Really it came on so fast I didn't quite know how to react.

I ate some stuff there before I got sick, but even trying to remember what it was makes my stomach flip. It probably doesn't matter since my body didn't exactly do normal processing. There will be no attempt at calorie counting for yesterday.

Trying to gather enough courage to eat some soup or something right now.


I'm out.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

breakfast and a better fitting t-shirt

Breakfast: whole wheat toast (100), 1 tbsp smucker's all natural peanut butter (105), homemade peach jam (60), 1 cup skim milk (90).

Today after church I will be at my parents' house, as my brother is home visiting from Phoenix. Mom is great at coming up with amazing food that is not a calorie disaster, so I think it will all come out okay.

Off to church! Oh, I almost forgot to share this happy news: this morning I am wearing my "THIS SHIRT IS ILLEGAL IN 52 COUNTRIES" t-shirt, which fits me now. When I got it, it would go on me, but it was the kind of tight that made me not want to wear it. You know, like tight across the belly and needed to be tucked in so that it wouldn't roll up and expose my fat. Today it feels right, and this is good. Who knows, before long, maybe I'll be able to wear my "JESUS LOVES PORN STARS"'s still tight like that I think...but I'm closing in on it.

Now. The question of WHERE I can wear that shirt without causing undue anger...

super saturday without a precise count

Well once again I am updating the morning after. Yesterday my daughter and I had a list of errands we needed to run in the Quad Cities, and we had also been given free hockey tickets. We combined it all, so that we left home at 3 pm and were gone until something like 11. One of the errands was grocery shopping and we are now loaded down once again with good stuff we can actually eat. We also went out for supper at one of our favorite restaurants, called Habaneros. We love it for the good food, low prices, and consistently charming help (I get especially tickled that at both locations we visit, there is at least one guy who calls us fun names like "muchachos" and sits at the table with us a moment while taking the order). We also like the fact that the serving sizes are reasonable, because if you give us an enormous plate of food, we WILL eat it. It's the way we are made. At Habaneros, we get enough to get pleasantly full and we don't walk out groaning from being overly full. Yes, we should have more willpower than that, but this is the naked blog and I am being nothing but real here.

I ordered differently than usual, as something called the "taco loco" looked really good. I got it with grilled chicken instead of beef, but it turned out not to be the best choice I could have made - it had guacamole, sour cream, and lots of cheese in it. And it was pretty big. I am not going to guess at the calories.

Having eaten supper at something like 4 pm, we were hungry during the game. I had Whitey's ice cream (moose tracks, to be precise) and it had 540 calories.

So the calories that I know from yesterday were 1335. I am thinking even with that taco loco, my day's end total was probably somewhere between my loss total of 1876 and my maintenance total of 2376. And you know, that's okay with me.

If I had ten or even thirty pounds to lose, I might be very stringent and uncompromising in how I do this. But DUDE. I have 100 pounds to go. This is probably a two-year proposition. Realistically, I am not going to hit the mark every single day. If I try, I am going to tank and go right back to where I started. This is a life change, not a "diet," though I refer to it as such because it's an easy way to talk.

Onward and upward.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

power breakfast a little before noon

Breakfast late enough to be lunch: bowl of old fashioned oatmeal (150) with 3 tbsp sugar (135) and 1/4 cup skim milk (25), plus an awesome omelette made of:

3 medium eggs (195)
2 tbsp onion (8)
1 small potato (128)
2 small peppers (30)
1/4 cup tomatoes (8)
1/2 slice bacon (25)
4 olives (16)
1/2 ounce asiago cheese (55)
and I'll figure the oil at 1/2 tsp (20)

Total calories: 795. Now THAT'S a breakfast! Heh. Good thing it's gonna be a 2 meal day...

unsmelling and unknowing - body awareness thoughts

I lost my sense of smell sometime in my twenties; 99% of the time, I smell nothing at all, even when an odor is overpowering everyone else in the room. Occasionally I get a few seconds of that sense back, and I absolutely relish it. It behaves weirdly in those times; one time at a Pampered Chef party, I was busy gleefully breathing in the aroma of bell pepper filled with salsa (absolutely delicious) while everyone else in the room was choking on the simultaneous stench of burnt chocolate.

The point of the above paragraph is that I lost my sense of smell "sometime in my twenties." I don't know when - that's how bad my level of body awareness has been in my adult life. Other people notice when their skin is dry, when their lips are chapped, which foods cause unwelcome reactions in their bodies...but from sometime in my twenties until just the past couple of years, I had pretty much no awareness of these things. The first I became really aware of this was maybe four years ago, when I started to notice that I would sit or lay (or is it lie? who cares...) in a truly uncomfortable position without even noticing my own discomfort for a very long time. It was "new" to me to feel that my neck didn't like how fat the pillow was and was developing a crick.

These days I am becoming increasingly aware of how my body feels and how it works. I suppose that I stopped listening to it along about the time I passed some magic line on the scale - it was probably a hate reaction. I don't "know" this, but I think I'm probably right about that reason.

I am greatly encouraged that these days I notice stuff that is second nature for others to know about their bodies, like when my skin wants lotion or when my body is protesting something I've done. I suspect this is part of the long journey God has taken me on, away from self-loathing and toward seeing myself through His merciful and loving eyes.

When I was in high school, we had a college student aide for awhile in my social studies class. She was very overweight, and I was entirely too aware of that. I recall staring her up and down daily and asking myself why she hadn't noticed she was getting fat and stopped it before it happened. I was one unmerciful little snot in my insecurity (recall that I already thought I was an Enormous Cow by then in all of my size 10 glory).

I've thought more than once that my weight issues were at least in part a punishment for how horrible I silently was to her at that time (I still feel so apologetic every time I think of her, and I DO think of her).

But the point of this little ponder is that I ended up much heavier than she was, and a lot of that happened because I simply stopped really hearing from my body at all. Countless times over the years, I have been shocked when I've caught myself in the mirror or seen a picture of myself - something in me has said, "hey, when did THAT happen?"

Body awareness can go too far, I am sure. But ability to hear what one's body is saying, I think, is one of the keys to not landing in the I-need-to-lose-100-pounds place.

So maybe I am finally finding my escape.