Saturday, February 28, 2009

Evening out and still made some decent numbers - YAY!

My grocery trip with my daughter was nice. Got my beloved cell phone out of the shop...ahhh it is so very much better than the loaner. I retract every angry word/thought I aimed at U.S. Cellular the other night.

She treated me to supper at Carlos O'Kelly's. The good news is they have a "lite" menu. On it I found a "Pico Enchiladas" meal complete with spanish rice. Really good (490 calories). The bad news is they put that bowl of chips and salsa right there in front of me and my impulse control was bottomed out. I'm gonna make a wild stab at those calories (300). Drank only water with lemon.

Wore ourselves out shopping in Sam's Club for fresh fruits and veggies. On the way home we got ice cream at McDonald's. (150)

Glass of Kool-Aid when I got home - the sad result of way too little water in my day. (120)

Total for the day: (drumroll, please) 2009

It's not yet at my target calories, but closer and closer she goes, eh?

Perhaps every day should be Saturday.

on hunger

3 ravioli with sauce (130 calories). Daily total now at 949.

I am so hungry I could eat a horse.

Trying to hold off for supper.

Maybe water or diet soda will quell my appetite.

All of this reminds me of the process I went through in the Weigh Down Workshop: learning what "hungry" really is. It was a long, hard process. In general, the top of my "reasons to eat" does not contain actual hunger. It looks more like:

*I eat because I thought of something that would taste good, and I just gotta taste it.

*I eat because I am angry. Sad. Happy. Used to eat from boredom, but boredom got kicked utterly out of my life a number of years ago. Mood eating is big though.

*I eat because it's time to eat.

*I eat because it's a comforting ritual.

*I am a very sensual person. Eating is a very sensual process. If readers find that disgusting, I apologize.

*I eat because someone else is eating.

*I eat because I'm stuck on something, and eating is a momentary change of routine which might unstick that something.

So we went through this long process of exploring what actual physical hunger feels like, and identifying all of its impostors. I learned that if you only eat when you are hungry, you get on people's nerves. You're not eating when they want to eat, and they are uncomfortable eating in front of you (I REALLY learned about that when I was fasting for spiritual reasons a number of years back). You find yourself ready to eat when it's "not time." You don't clean your plate...or at least you don't until you gain some sort of notion of the actual food it takes to stop hunger, and not the pile it takes for utter satiation of all the other reasons for eating. I learned to start with the food I like, which ran counter to my practice of eating the "yucky stuff" first and saving the best for last. When you only eat till you're just precisely full, you don't wast time/room on the "yucky stuff" at all.

Now mind you, I've unlearned all of that since and am back at feeding the beast within.

Ahh learning.

I know I'm spending way too much time and energy focusing on this whole food thing, but I'm doing for real change that goes all the way through me. So I think I'll go ahead and make the investment.

afternoon food summary

So right as I finished my body types entry, I got a phone call and an offer I couldn't refuse, which involved babysitting. I was needed inmediatamente, so I changed out of my jammies, grabbed 3 ounces of cold leftover chicken breast (94 calories) and 1.25 cups of chocolate milk (185 calories) and ran out the door.

Apple for a snack later (80 calories).

Lunch snuck up on me...I had gotten up late, so I didn't realize I was near the crash zone when suddenly eating was No Longer Optional. Microwaved a pot pie, not because I think it's a good idea, but just because it was there, fast, and I was bordering on nonfunctional. (300 calories) Exactly one cup of chocolate milk with it (160 calories).

Total for the day, thus far: 819. It is 3 pm and I'll be leaving soon with my daughter to get groceries. We'll be eating out, which is a huge opportunity to eat too many calories. Hmmm.

Meanwhile, I am hungry again. Guess I'll go look for a snack.

Other note: I have had no coffee today (which is good) but also no water today (which is bad).

scattered thoughts on body types

Remember health class? I spent most of it trying not to look at my teacher in his too-short, too-loose shorts when he stood in unfortunate and potentially revealing positions, *shudder* so I don't remember a bunch, but here's what was really important (though we ran over it so fast at the time that it didn't really sink in with me) and we should be working harder on getting this into kids' heads:

There are 3 basic body types. Some people are one straight-out type and some are a mixture. Names and short descriptions below.

Mesomorph - these are the super athletic people. Born to be muscular, heroes in gym class, fun to look at pretty much all the time. They enjoy exercise. Think Mr. Universe, or the coolest jock in your school. Got it? That's them.

Ectomorph - these are the twiggy people who "can't gain weight." They have skinny everythings. Supermodels almost inevitably come from this category (or so I read, and I tend to agree).

Endomorph - these are the ones who can be described as "curvy" or "rounded." They gain fat more easily than the other two types, though they also gain muscle pretty easily. Their fat tends to settle in their bellies, hips and thighs.

That's Karen's short summary of the types. For a more in-depth look at each type, including workout suggestions, diet suggestions, very cool and realistic but slightly disturbing generated pictures in all 3 body types of a naked guy without ummm one essential part, and a bit of humor too, go here. I really recommend it.

I know for sure that I am an endomorph - no mix here. Anyone who knows me or sees me for even a few minutes would know that, and probably would have known it even back when I could shop in the normal size departments.

My very first awareness of food and diet issues was not condemning - in 5th grade I experimented accidentally with eating less, and found that my stomach shrunk and I couldn't eat as much. It fascinated me. That was the first, last and only food and diet issue that wasn't a struggle in my life.

Shortly thereafter, I realized my thighs were huge compared to my best friend's. It really bothered me. I've thought in years since that she must have just been an ectomorph, but my mom told me last night that she has a little belly maybe she's some kind of mix. I don't know. I just know that's when I started feeling Really Not Good about how I looked. Pictures of that time in my life (if I weren't so lazy, I'd find them and scan them in here) reveal that I was not heavy at all. I wish I had known that at the time.

Then a bit later (7th grade) my mom decided to work on her weight (she's an endomorph too). She brought home fitness magazines and they were filled with (probably airbrushed) completely beautiful people, as well as diet pills and diet shakes powder. I thumbed through the magazines and felt like a cow. In response, I started taking over the counter diet pills and trying to skip school lunch.

The problem with trying to skip school lunch is you get so hungry. My friends all shared from their plates, and in the end I think most days I ate more than I would have if I'd have just bought a lunch already. That year I went from 96 pounds to 126 pounds in about 6 months. I had stretch marks at the tops of my thighs and the school nurse asked when she weighed me if I'd been "eating rock soup." Now mind you I was already 5'2" by then, so at 126 I wasn't exactly Java the Hutt...but that's what I felt like.

Well I am realizing that this is crossing from body types over into whole other issues, so let's get back to the subject at hand. Fifth or sixth grade - THAT'S when schools and parents should press in and teach their kids about body types...or at least that's the latest it should be done. I know that the worst beginnings of my battle with food are tied to my awakened consciousness of how much I didn't look like the skinny girls or the athletes in my class. Maybe if I'd been equipped with a lot of reality on body types - how we look, how we can't look (I'll never have ectomorph thighs, no matter how much weight I lose), how we can best manage the body we have....maybe I wouldn't have spent the rest of my life since then failing the diet and exercise test.

But then maybe I'm wrong about that.

Just in case, if you have a grade-schooler...tell them, okay? If they're an endomorph, you might save them a whole lot of pain. And if they're one of the other 2, you might help them see others more mercifully (there ain't much mercy in junior high).

First thing in the morning thoughts, in list form.

1. No waking up in the night, no leg pain, no overheating...YAY! I was up until midnight...maybe that made a difference? Who knows.

2. It's Saturday and I got to sleep in until 8! Though as usual I let my alarm (radio) come on at 5 because there are GREAT programs for that hour. I listened, half in and half out, and then shut it off and went back to hard sleep and weird dreams at 6. Ahhhh. I'll get out of my bed ummmm sometime. I love my laptop!

3. I am still thinking body type thoughts, so I think I'll work on that next.

4. Blogs are fun...enough to keep me from wandering in and looking for breakfast just yet.

5. This is a zero calorie entry! Heh.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Total for the day and brief thoughts on realism and documentation

Afternoon snack: pudding cup (110 calories) that I surely didn't need but definitely wanted.

Driving home snack: 1 oz salted peanuts (170 calories) which was probably more habit than anything. And a bottle of water.

Early supper tonight, because it was junior high wii party night. I had a pot pie (300) and a cup of chocolate milk (160).

Snacks during the wii party: Popcorn balls (best guess I can make is 200 calories)...yummy and stuck in my teeth....and puppy chow (1/2 cup 184 calories)

Growly tummy on the way to bed, so I had 1/2 ounce of leftover chicken breast (20 calories).

Total for the day: 2384. Not bad for a day I felt like I was misbehaving so much! It's not "losing" but it's not "gaining" either and that's good.

A friend shared in the last day or two that he tried measuring food and was surprised at how much more it is than it seems to be. SO TRUE! When I really "look" at my food and even measure it, I'm pretty convicted by what a habit of king-size portions I have.

Writing it down is definitely curbing what I eat. I know FOR SURE that I'd have eaten a lot more Tuesday through Friday if I had not been logging it. So many occasions of temptation, I was stopped dead at the idea that I'd have to account for it if I ingested it.

Money kinda works like that for me to...making myself document what I do with it is a strong impetus to Behave Myself Already.

I dunno if I'm weird or not in this.

i might be a bunny, and the mid-day tally

So I brought those baby carrots with me this morning, thinking how nice the satisfying crunch would be.

And wiped them out in one morning...half a bag. (140 calories) Ummm at this rate maybe I should buy stock in carrot farms?

Also had my usual giant coffee with lots of sugar (135 calories)

Big plate of spaghetti w/meat sauce (500 calories...yowza...I ate first and counted after) and bottle of water.

Count at noon: 1240 calories

Getting really nice emails from you who are reading...THANK YOU for your encouragement!

day 5 rushing off in the morning

1 slice rye bread (65 calories), 2 tbsp smuckers (210 calories), crab apple jelly (50 calories), 1.5 cups skim milk (140 calories).

Thinking many thoughts on body types; if I weren't running late I'd do a big ol blog. Maybe tonight...

Awake in the night again, with leg pain and very hot. I remembered to pray this time. Odd that I start writing about this stuff and I start having sleep issues....

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Evening 4: Warning: Don't read this if you need to see me as "that nice Karen."

Left work at 4 pm, eating my ounce of salted peanuts (170 calories) like a man crawling in the desert drinks his first tall cold one. I had several errands to run, including picking up my cell phone, which has been in the shop. Fought heavy traffic, heavy rain, low visibility, and a lot of aggression wanting to surface for whatever reason. Fifteen minutes to U.S. Cellular...which was mysteriously...dark. I walked to the door, trying to figure out what was's supposed to be open until 8. And there, taped beside the "hours" sign, is a notice that the store closed at 3, just for today, for a conference. It will reopen tomorrow at 8.

Stupid effing U.S. Cellular! I hate you forever and a day. I stand clutching the plastic bag that holds my loaner phone. Argh. Just behind the glass somewhere is my beloved cell phone, which is not at all like this penny wonder with which I've been getting by. I groan, grumble, shake my head and stomp back to my car, the rain soaking my head.

**sheepish eye roll heavenward**
**sorry, Lord...I am truly grateful that U.S. Cellular gives loaner phones. I am genuinely thankful that I've not been without a phone all this time...**

I get in my car, look in the rearview mirror, and all I want to do is floor the accelerator and smash into the employee car behind me, which will smash into the glass front of the store. Gosh, I definitely have some aggression issues today!!

Driving away, I wreak vengeance on another ounce of salted nuts, smashing them viciously with my teeth as I drive in entirely too much traffic (170 totally gratuitous calories), washing them down with a bottle of water.

Next stop: the video store, to return some movies and get some more. Blockbuster has impulse shopping down to a science. Happily, my debit card is at home and I'm cashless. If it weren't I'd buy: a giant pickle, a bag of fritos, an ice cream treat, and some nice diet dr. pepper to wash it all down.

Oh yeah.

Saved from myself by a little plastic card.

It's a long, rainy, foggy drive and by the time I get home I am huuuuungry. Supper: portabella mushroom ravioli (625 calories), 1/2 cup spaghetti sauce (110 calories), bread (220 calories), olive oil (119 calories), parmesan cheese (22 calories).

Total for the day: 2616

Guess I'll skip that pint of chocolate milk I'm craving.

hyper dingy thoughts and lunch

Coffee with sugar when I got to work (135). Bottle of water on the way to work. Bottle of water after coffee.

Daughter said last night I can have her baby carrots. But then I left without them. And forgot an apple too. Shucks.

Today's list of tasks has involved an amazing amount of running the stairs, which will do good things in this bod.

Super hyper today...I keep catching myself talking unreasonably fast so that people can't understand me. Wonder what that's about.

Desperate need for lunch at 11:30. Shaky and not thinking very clearly.

Lunch: polish sausage with mustard (270), bun (120), can of carrots (105), bottle of water.

Total so far for the day: 1180 calories.

My pants being tight/my gut hanging over really annoyed me this morning. But on the good news front, I'm walking straighter/more tucked/better sucked in today.

Ain't this all glamorous?

Day 4, an unrestful night and skinny heels for breakfast

Wow, I really did not sleep well last night. Fell asleep easily enough, but then in the middle of the night my legs hurt so bad. Felt like they had huge punch-marks all up and down them...I mean it really felt like massive bruising. And then I got hot. And then my skin in general just felt...bad. Like, all of it.

Now mind you it's not exercise-related....unless it's LACK of exercise related...because I've not made even the smallest beginning on those isometrics I googled the other day, nor any other strenuousness of any kind.

I fought it and eventually somehow got back to sleep. I am realizing right now that Once Upon a Time I recognized waking in the middle of the night like that as a sign that I needed to start praying intercessory prayers immediately, even if I had no idea who was in trouble and needed praying for. Well that sure never crossed my mind last night. Bleh.

My bed felt sooooooooooooooooooo good this morning, waking up not aching. Stayed in it longer than I meant to, since I need to leave early today.

Not good, to start my day hurrying.

Breakfast: 1.75 cups skim milk (140 calories), the heels of my good bread, so I ate both...hey...they are skinny little pieces! (150 calories), 2 tbsp smuckers (210 calories), crab apple jelly (50 calories). Count so far today: 550 calories

realized while blow drying my hair that....

I forgot to calculate my chocolate milk that I had with supper last night. 205 calories worth. So that bumps yesterday's total up to 2020 calories. So I DID break 2000.

Bah humbug.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

So hungry.....

It's bedtime (10:30) and I am SOOOOOOOOOOO HUNGRY.

Not surrendering that under 2000 mark. Gonna sleep to dodge temptation.

Oy vey.

Day 3 windup and tally

Snack on the way home from work: 1 oz salted peanuts (170 calories) and a bottle of water (and drank a bottle of water between lunch and the snack. Also ate a Hershey's Kiss somewhere along the afternoon (26 calories).

Craving massive snacks when I got home. Sure glad it was time for my prayer meeting to start.

Supper: 6 ounce chicken breast, skinless (170 calories), baked potato w/salt & pepper (160 calories), 1 cup steamed broccoli (44 calories) with 1.5 tsp butter (55 calories) and 1/4 cup cheese (105 calories)

After supper snack: cantaloupe 1 cup (60 calories)

Total for the day: 1915 calories. Hey! Not bad!

lunch and self-esteem building...NOT!

Coffee with sugar when I got to work (135 calories).

Lunch: polish sausage (270) on bun (120) with mustard (0), can of green beans (70) and bottle of water.

A regular, generous donor came by to bring stuff for the shelter where I work. In the stuff is a skirt "she thinks will fit me." She digs it out and hands it to me, then continues, "I think there's another great big dress in here somewhere that might work for you too."

Nothing like a little encouragement, eh?

Me crabby.

How cool is this?

So I drove off to work falling back into my shower funk. Oh boy am I good at dwelling on the negative sometimes.

At the usual spot, just where the traffic starts to pick up, I got disastrously sleepy. There went my eyes trying to blink out. Grrr.

And then on the radio:
this KJ-52 song. I love KJ-52. Within moments I was yelling the song at the top of my lungs, smiling and wide awake.

Do I really believe God arranged that song on the radio at that time, just for me?

Oh yes. I do.

Day 3: thoughts on failure and success over breakfast

Today's breakfast: one slice multigrain toast (110 calories), 2 tbsp Smucker's peanut butter (210 calories), crabapple jelly (50 calories) and 1.75 cups of skim milk (160 calories).

Thinking exercise thoughts this morning in the shower left me discouraged. It's really easy to not even try. I have lost 50 or more pounds on several occasions, with the biggest number being 67 pounds, if I remember right.

I did Susan Powter's "Stop the Insanity" program, which was all about counting fat grams and exercising. It worked wonderfully. I lost weight and had lots of energy. Eventually, I just stopped.

I did the "Weigh Down Workshop." Right now I can't remember that lady's name. Her program was faith-based and operated on the premise that if I'll stop idolizing food and running to it every time I feel empty...and if I'll just eat until I'm full and not eat one bite more, no matter how good it is, no matter how special the occasion, no matter whose feelings might get hurt...then I can allow my body to operate in the miraculous way God created it to. I didn't even have to focus much on "what" I ate as long as I paid attention to the principles above. It worked. I remember eating small, reasonable portions even AT THANKSGIVING that year and feeling really great. Food was no longer my master. I loved that program. Eventually, I just stopped.

I did the Weight Watcher's "Fat and Fiber" program, which was about counting fat grams and fiber every day. It worked wonderfully and I learned A LOT about what food does in my body. Eventually, I just stopped.

I worked out with a trainer at the Y where I used to work. She had formerly been overweight but is now a Very Hot Lady. I didn't really want to work with her because I thought she'd find my big sweaty body so disgusting. But you know she was AMAZING. She taught me how to use the weight room, a place I had not felt comfortable even walking through. I could use every machine effectively and with proper technique, and the big, buff guys in there didn't even phase me once I knew what I was doing. I found out which things I really loved (stuff that felt good, released my aggression, and added energy to me) and I learned how to press through the stuff I hated. She eventually had me going hard on the elliptical machine for 50 minutes a day...I remember that it felt GREAT to push past "I can't do this" and actually go until my shirt was soaked through with sweat. Then life threw some busyness in front of me and I just stopped.

Those were the most effective things I found, though I've played with other plans and schemes over the years that have had varying success...things like the regular Weight Watchers program, straight out counting calories, various diet shake programs, and a rather lazy version of the South Beach Diet. All of which had me focused this way this morning in the shower: "Why even try? Why even start? I'm just going to stop eventually anyway. I never make it through to my goal and I never stick with any of it permanently, even when I feel like I can't imagine ever going back to sloth."

Well writing this all down has helped shift my attitude, at least for the moment. I have succeeded many times in losing more weight than a lot of people could even imagine losing. For now I need to focus on heading that direction...and let God do the finishing work in me that will make it stick.

Father, do in me all that I cannot do for myself....PLEASE!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Day 2, end of the day

Afternoon snack: one Hershey's Kiss (26 calories) and one apple - we'll call it a medium (80 calories).

Craved snacks a lot, but I think most of that was the fact I couldn't/shouldn't just keep eating.

Left work at 3 pm like I always do on Tuesdays, to head for youth church. Made my usual stop to pick up day-old Panera bread from the Mission...some for sharing with youth group kids and some to keep. While I was there...A HIDEOUS TEST! I grabbed a bag of bread and one of the guys then showed me "what we call the goody box." Oh golly...every decadent treat possible from Panera. Cookies bigger than my hands, cinnamon rolls the size of dinner plates, this brownie cake/pie amazing thing, muffins big enough to be 8 muffins. I looked and thought excitedly that I'd enjoy a cookie on my drive.

But then I remembered: if I eat it, I have to count it. Ugghhhh.

I walked away without anything from the goody box. Glad to have passed the test but utterly miserable to not have a goody. My stomach felt like it started eating itself at that point.

Stopped for gas on the way to youth church and went into the convenience store, desperate for a snack to stop my stomach...and to keep me from overindulging at the church, which is always fully stocked with Foods I Definitely Shouldn't Eat. Some convenience stores have fresh fruit; I intended to buy several pieces if it did. But no.

My road snack: 1 oz salted peanuts (170 calories) and 1 bottle 100% grape juice (340 calories). I just really needed salty, sweet, AND crunchy. I justified the peanuts because the protein would carry me awhile, and the juice (though it was calorie-laden) because it had 200% of the vitamin C I needed for the day....not to mention grape juice helps prevent heart problems. Felt kinda melancholy about food in general when I was done.

The drive from work to youth church takes about 1.25 hours. The last 10 minutes of my drive I got horribly sleepy, nodding and blinking and struggling not to fade out. The last 5 minutes of my drive, I got that awful sick stomachache I get when I've gotten way too little sleep. I was awfully glad to get to church.

Supper at youth church: 2 cups canned beef stew (440 calories), 3 canned biscuits (150 calories), 1/2 cup sweetened applesauce (100 calories), 1 cup apple crisp (300 calories), and a bottle of water.

Calories thus far today: I think 2,581 if I calculated right. Immensely better than yesterday, but still at adding-weight-to-my-bod level. Ergh.

Things to share: lovely daughter's coworker likes
this website for tracking calories. It even tracks calories from fat, etc. Thus far I am not using it because I can find calories faster by googling...but I am definitely losing the advantage of the little pie charts and stuff she can study about her daily consumption (and it's free).

A friend from my grat list likes
this website for getting some team accountability for weight loss. You track your diet as part as a team of 4 people, so there is built in encouragement. It seems like a nice idea to me, though at this point I'm sticking with talking to my daughter about it, since she's kind of in the same mode I am right now. And of course blogging without mercy right here.

I googled "morbid obese exercises" today and learned the virtues of isometrics.
Here are some good exercises that can be done at the desk at work; here are some good things to do in a chair that seem like they'll be helpful. I'd like to move toward doing this stuff regularly as a place to start; while hardcore athletes might find it pathetic, it's a starting place for an office chair jockey like me.

I also know some other things I can do to get my body ready for walking: focus on posture throughout my regular day. Tuck my hips and suck in my gut. Right now I walk around with my butt and belly sticking out/hanging loose, and that's hell on my back. I should not be letting my spine do all the work when muscles could be so much help. If I can get myself retrained to carry myself right, my back will hurt much less when I walk.

Finally, it seems wise for me to take the time to write a list that answers my coworker's question of why I want to lose weight, just to help keep me focused. Here is at least part of the story:

1. I'm tired all the time. Part of that is I currently work too many hours and I'm working on slowing that down, but part of it is also fatigue from carrying all those pounds around (picture yourself carrying a 100 pound feed sack everywhere you go; how tired would you be at the end of each day?), and part of it is surely too much food and too little exercise.

2. I have a range of about 4 clothing sizes I wear (22-24-26-28), depending on how fat I am. Right now I only wear the biggest stuff and it's kind of tight or doesn't fit right. I'm tired of my belly finding a way to be exposed, tired of my pants cutting into my waist, tired of every shirt feeling "almost" comfortable. Monday I wanted to leave work and go find a good size 4x black zip up hoodie to wear over my clothes and hide me. I might have even gone, if I'd have been sure I could find a 4x sweatshirt, and that I could have afforded it if I had. Both propositions are highly unlikely.

3. If I am on my feet much, my feet and knees hurt like hell. If I do a good portion of housework, my entire body hurts afterward, sometimes enough to prevent sleep.

4. I hate the ways I can't move. My weight has horribly hampered my balance, flexibility and stamina for too long now. I hate how easily I get short of breath. I remember how good it feels to be able to really move. I can't do that anymore. I am in danger of accelerating the aging process at this point if I don't change my habits.

5. No amount of cleaning up, making up, dressing up, etc can make me feel "attractive." That doesn't feel good. Even if I were to encounter Mr. Right at this point in my life, I'd want to put off the wedding till I wouldn't mind being ummm well as the top of the page says, naked with him. So there.

6. Clothes are easier to find and cheaper in the "normal sizes" section.

7. I hate the "belly fat" ads all over the internet (and that charming "arm fat" ad I saw the other day with a finger poking the fat to make it jiggle)...because they feel like personal attacks against my self-esteem. I'd like to be able to ignore them and not feel bad at animated cellulite jiggling nonstop on the side or at the top of my computer screen. Just for the record, I WILL NEVER purchase anything advertised that way, simply because it persistently ticks me off.

8. My health matters, and my weight is pushing me toward things like high blood pressure. My current diet is likely to get my cholesterol up into the danger zone. All manner of maladys are associated with overweight; I want to go around those possibilities wherever possible.

9. I definitely fill my empty spaces with food, and every one of those spaces should be places I run for God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. YES food is my idol and NO that's not okay. This, by the way, should be item number ONE and not at the bottom of the list.

All of which reminds me: making a mental note to pray more intentionally tonight and work on giving this whole issue over to the One with all the answers.

Day 2 lunch and some exercise thoughts

One can Healthy Choice Chicken and Rice soup (220 calories), one can collard greens (130 calories) seasoned with vinegar, bottle of water (and another bottle of water between that mega-coffee and lunch). The impact of that calorie count from yesterday is quite the motivator today.

I was crashing at 11 a.m., needing to eat IMMEDIATELY. But no worse than yesterday's crash, when I had twice as much breakfast.

This lunch helps with calorie count but skyrockets my sodium...something like 3000 mgs of it in those 2 cans. Well I can't fight every battle all at the same least not today.

Not quite noon and I'm at 975 calories.

Gotta find me a workout that I can do. The result of 3 years of office work (read: sitting in a chair) and that huge tummy previously mentioned (which pulls down on my back when I stand up) is incredible lower back pain when I try to exercise...even just to walk. First it hurts, then it hurts more, then it goes numb-with-tingling and a deep ache below.

I reckon I'll find good stuff when I google - that's on tonight's agenda for sure.

Day 2 - further morning thoughts

Coffee - had just ONE enormous cup this morning, and skipped the creamer. Still had sugar, though (3 tbsp 135 calories).

A thought: I read something recently that said new studies show that people who eat less are mentally sharper. Scientists are theorizing that the reason is related to insulin - the body produces an enormous flood of insulin to deal with all that food, and it hampers brain function. Hmmm. Maybe this is related to my mental funk yesterday. Eating TWICE the number of calories required to maintain and THREE TIMES the number of calories needed to lose....that could definitely be handicapping my brain.

Got sleepy again on the way to work, but not nearly as bad. Blinky but not actually nodding off. My body feels much less crappy this morning than it did yesterday.

I put my sugar-pushing coworker on notice that I am tracking calories (even made full disclosure about yesterday's count) and won't be accepting oreos and m&m's anymore. She's traumatized and wants to know why I want to lose weight.

I need to lose 100 pounds to reach my goal, which is still quite a bit heavier than the charts say I should be (to hell with the charts).

And she wants to know why I want to lose weight?


Day 2, morning

Okay so I looked at the bread bag and my bread is much higher in calories than I guessed from my internet search.

Today's breakfast was one slice multigrain toast (110 calories, yeah TWICE as much as I had thought), 2 tbsp Smucker's peanut butter (210 calories), crabapple jelly (50 calories) and 1.5 cups of skim milk (120 calories).

Slept in till 6 this morning since Bible study ran till after 10 and I was up till 11:30 (the time is apparently a different zone on this blog than the one I live in). I'm tired but not nearly as wrecked as I was yesterday morning.

Good hair day but my clothes hate me - wearing my ickiest fat pats, which is never a good start.

I gotta work on my attitude.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Day 1

Well, I can keep putting this off, or I can jump in already, unready as I feel.

My body has been telling me in a multitude of ways lately that it is not happy with my current condition. Been feeling very convicted lately ever since reading that article about the lady who followed government guidelines for healthy living...a month from hell, which left her thinner, more energetic, with fewer pain issues and ready to make at least some of the changes more permanent.

Sunday in church, Seth reminded us that "we can't, but God can." His sermon was very pointed about "at least trying" even as we realize we absolutely can't do something.

I can't lose weight. I can't exercise. I can't find motivation. I can't change my habits.

But God can change it in me. I don't suppose I've been very diligent about asking Him to do that.

How will I afford healthier foods? Lifting that up to God as well.

I haven't "begun" at all today, but I think it's time to at least start logging. Perhaps the process of really seeing how I live will be a catalyst for change.


Forced myself out of bed at 5:30, despite feeling very exhausted, because I wanted to finish getting the house ready for tonight's Bible study meeting.

I wiped the bathroom sink and toilet down, vacuumed the kitchen, and carried out the recycling. Not much effort for 30 minutes of extra available time.

Breakfast: 2 slices toast (120 calories) with crunchy Smucker's (420 calories), crabapple jelly (100 calories), and a pint of skim milk (180 calories). I suppose this is roughly twice what I should be eating.

Fought sleep really hard on the way to work. My head was nodding and eyes crossing. Worse than usual, even, and the music on the radio was having no reviving effect.

I had woke with a headache, which I ascribed to sinuses. Took a Claritin before I left. On the way to work I realized I've been 2 full days without coffee. Since the headache persisted, I drank 2 enormous mugs of coffee with lots of sugar and creamer (300 calories each for a total of 600 calories) when I got to work.

The warmth felt good...made my ears, head and neck hurt less. Tasted good. Still had a headache though.

Took 2 generic Aleve. Drank a bottle of water. The headache finally relented.

Today my skin is very dry, my ears hurt, my tummy feels huge, I feel sluggish and crabby; my joints hurt. I am distractable and unmotivated. Craving a nap.

Coworker encouraged me to try the cake in the kitchen. The very notion made me nauseous. No thank you! She feels bad - "what a curse." I feel glad - it's easier to be good when being bad makes me sick.

At 11:30, my blood sugar crashed majorly; one minute I was doing mental math, the next I was shaking and confused and could hardly summon the energy to go find lunch. This is weird since I didn't eat a carbish breakfast.

Lunch: leftover fried chicken breast (400 calories), 1/2 cup mashed potatoes (120 calories), 1/4 cup spinach with vinegar (15 calories), and 3 oreos (140 calories) from coworker. Still felt hungry afterward, but I don't know if it's a physical sensation or a general craving for comfort on a Very Uncomfortable Day.

I wanna go home.

Gotta figure out what to make for supper for the Bible study group tonight. Figuring it out is overwhelming. I don't know what I'll make.

Afternoon: 1/2 cup m&ms from coworker (440 calories). And another bottle of water.

Stopped to take the time to look up and add up calories at 2 pm. 2535!!!! And supper is yet still ahead. No wonder my tummy feels huge.

Looked up online what my calories should be, based on my current weight and activity level. Here's the bad news:

Your indicated weight goal: 165 pounds
Resting metabolic rate requires 1901 calories per day (basal energy expenditure). This is the amount of calories required to maintain the body's normal metabolic activity ( respiration, maintenance of body temperature etc. )
Important Details
Maximum calories/day in order to lose weight
: 1876.2

(In order to lose 1 to 1.5 pounds each week or (4-6 pounds/month) you must subtract 500 calories from your estimated daily caloric needs (2376.2). This total is derived based on the activity level you chose above and your basal energy expenditure.

Calories required to maintain current weight: 2376.2

Your BMI (body mass index) is: 47.0
Further analysis of your BMI: Morbidly Obese

Desired range in pounds: 107.1 to 140.8
BMI = Weight in (kg) / Height in (meters)2
The normal range is 19-25 for females and 20-25 for males

Okay, point 1: I am not even TRYING for the "desired range in pounds."

Point 2: Morbidly obese is no shocker. Half of me being fat is also no shocker. I can't go on the mission field with an extra entire person's worth of weight attached to my frame.

Point 3: 1876 calories....seriously! I'll fall over. Clearly regular exercise is called for.

Things I have done right so far today:

1. Choosing the all-natural peanut butter. Low sugar and better fats.
2. Skim milk.
3. Whole grain bread.
4. Water higher than it sometimes is (though I still need to increase).
5. Spinach will boost my iron, which I always need.
6. Didn't add butter to my potatoes.
7. Chicken breast is good meat.

Bad stuff I have done today:

1. Chicken should not be fried.
2. Oreos and M&Ms have zero value and too much sugar. Oreos have bad fat for sure.
3. Creamer and sugar and entirely too much caffeine all contained in those 2 huge mugs of coffee. Creamer is bad fat too.
4. Instant potatoes are almost certainly too high in sodium, as is canned spinach.

Okay, I checked sodium information. Old rules - limit to 2,500 per day. New rules - limit to 1,500 per day. Considering I've been warned by the doctor about early signs of high blood pressure impending, I suppose I should at least restrict myself to 2,000 per day. The website I looked on said a lot of people get 5,000 to 7,000 per day - more if they eat fast food regularly. How scary is that?!

The day didn't get better. I stayed mentally foggy all day, and physically was in a funk when I left work. Stopped at the grocery store to get pasta ingredients for supper. Despite Very Large Awareness of my calorie count and the unwisdom of it, I ate 2 hostess cupcakes (400 calories) and half of a 5-serving bag of Fritos (400 calories) on the way home. I reminded myself that I'd have to log it, and then I told myself quite snottily that was fine, I would log it, but I was still going to eat it.

Supper: homemade pasta (TOTAL CALORIES 845, comprised of rotini 300, sausage 100, pepperoni 100, olives 20, sauce 60, onions and bell peppers 15, mozzarella 200, parmesan 50), 3 homemade rolls (300 calories), and a decadent ice cream cake dessert (460 calories).

Bedtime: 2 cups chocolate 1% milk (340 calories)


Oh golly.