it's friday

breakfast: grape nuts 300, sugar 135, skim milk 50.

Getting in my car and praying about my attitude.

feasting and barely trying at all

Coffee w/sugar to start the work morning 135

I had a meeting/class sort of thing today, and lunch was provided there. Chicken fettuccine alfredo 650, breadstick 140, salad w/dressing 130, a chocolate chip cookie 210, and tea w/lemon.

2 lemon girl scout cookies when I got home 150

Supper was more pasta, cooked with sausage, onions, garlic, bell peppers, and tomatoes with a ton of herbs and topped the whole thing off w/grated parmesan. My best guess for calories for that is 500. And of course garlic bread with real butter 300. And glass of skim milk 160.

Total for the day: 2660. Yup, another maintenance day.

Undisciplined is such an understatement to describe me.

Will keep on blogging, in hopes that conviction will push me off this stubborn spot.

I wore different shoes today (dressing up a bit as I knew people in my class would be from the world of Making Money) and my blister that was healing is raw. ERgh.

This crabby night will pass.

success despite falling down, and the return of the jean jacket

Oh golly look. It's Thursday and I have made no Wednesday entry. Let's see if I can remember what I had:

breakfast oatmeal 150 w/sugar 135
coffee at work w/sugar 135
ramen noodles for lunch 380
strawberries 46
3 bottles of water w/sweetener packs (cranberry apple rocks!)
2 girl scout lemon cookies 150
plate of fried potatoes 500 w/ketchup & salt 90
1.75 cups skim milk 160

Total calories for the day: 1746, which comes in even under my weight loss number.

Life is funny. Yesterday I was a nutritional nightmare, but I made the calorie count. I know better about what to eat, but I am struggling with my attitude and with lack of planning, which causes me to grab whatever is close.

Yesterday, I wore my jean jacket to work. It has been hanging in my closet for something like 2 years now, because the arms were too tight for it to look decent. While I'd still like it to be a tad looser, it fits reasonably now! So, despite my awful attitude, passive aggression, and constant backsliding, it seems I am still losing. Which encourages me greatly for today.

I did not walk again yesterday or today...that blister is healing, but is still making itself very much known every time I walk. Of course, back when we prayer walked the county, I learned all the blister solutions that exist, and I walked many miles with awful feet. Sooooo...the blister is an excuse. I sure do like excuses. (Good reason to blog: I hadn't processed any of the information in this paragraph until I watched my hands type it. OY.)

Breakfast today: quick oats (alas, I am out of old fashioned ones and these are such a disappointment!) 150 and sugar 135.

Day, here I come.

unwonderful

Coffee w/sugar when I got to work 135

strawberries for morning snack 46

Lunch: canned wedding soup 240, baked potato 160 with salt/pepper, bottle of water with sugar free flavor in it

nuther bottle o water w/sugar free flavor in the afternoon

Supper at youth church: 3 pancakes 450 w/syrup 100 and butter 36, 6 sausage links 420, hash browns 416 w/ketchup 20, yummy pulpy orange juice 220

Total for the day: 2528.

Ergh. Just a little under my maintenance number.

And my darn blister hurt all day inside my shoe, even sitting still. Doesn't look promising for walking tomorrow.

Scuse me while I feel like a failure.

an early morning victory with a blister for a prize

I walked this morning. This is a victory. Yesterday around 5 a.m., I had a conversation with myself about walking, and staying in bed won that round. This morning, it was quite a tussle, but then the winning vote said that I retired early last night, and I cannot plead, "but the bed feels so good!" at both ends of the spectrum.

I had my route sort of planned, which would have taken probably 40 minutes. But then my shoe started rubbing wrong and I turned right around. 20 minutes of walking and one bloody blister. Well anyway I have bandaids and other shoes, and we'll see what tomorrow brings. I am not telling myself that I am beginning my "walking program" because I am all about the great beginnings that are followed by epic failure. I decided today. Tomorrow, I'll decide again (we'll see which side wins then).

A cool thing: despite all my inner babbling, the Lord got a word or 2 in edgewise...things I really needed to hear. I am grateful this morning that He didn't wait for me to shut up already before talking.

Confession: last night I had hot chocolate after my totals, so I think I pushed them right up or perhaps even a bit over my maintenance number. I certainly have room to grow in the self-discipline area, (she says, making a wild understatement).

Breakfast: oatmeal (150) w/sugar (135).

well i made it here...

Okay so I was better today.

Apple juice for breakfast 292

Lunch can o soup 420, crackers 120, pb&j sammich 320

root beer after work 320

supper was baked potato 160 w/sour cream 60 and enormous chicken breast cooked in lemon juice 400

umm and then I wanted sweet: 2 girl scout lemon cookies 150

okay now let's count 'em up: 2242

Well. I said "better"...not "good." At least I'm still in under maintenance, though just by a few lil calories.

One small step. Tomorrow, we'll try again.

feeling like poor ol michael finnegan....

Lost count of the times I've fallen, long ago.

I need to get back up.

A friend emailed me to coax me along the way. I agreed and then did nothing. Hmmm. This is not good.

The level of resistance in me to making better choices...it's appalling.

Tomorrow is a new day. I need to let it be a new beginning. Again.

undocumented but better, and chocolate killed the mean in me

Okay so: the bad news is I did not stop and enter everything yesterday, and now I'm running late this morning, so I won't be catching that up.

The good news is I DID eat much better, other than some cookies and chocolate milk on the drive home because I had been in a PMS storm on the verge of violence all day. I think, though, that I did not have so much that the day was a disaster or anything like that.

I would like to do better today.

Breakfast toast (100) peanut butter (210) jam (50). And we are out of milk, alas.

Today's lunch plan: ham and beans my mom made. Oh boy they look good!

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever get it together

Yesterday: made sure I had soup available at work (not the optimum plan, but it works on mornings when I fail to make a great salad or something). But then it was a coworker's birthday celebration. Pizza, cake, ice cream. It was good and I was not as moderate as I ought to be if I want to lose weight.

At home there was leftover youth church stuff (ham/egg/cheese casserole and hash browns) and I ate in front of the computer, very distracted. Bad plan. There were seconds. It was delicious.

Had my bowl of oatmeal (150) just now with sugar (135) and milk (60). Old fashioned oatmeal is the bomb.

Truth: in this moment, success of any kind seems like such a remote possibility that I don't even want to try.

That, my friends, is called a Bad Attitude.

is it failure if i keep on trying?

Okay so I let myself run off in the ditch Monday (cookies at work and then an amazing salad buffet at my mom's mother/daughter/sister/friend banquet = way too many calories fer sure).

And then yesterday...well, I was busy writing until it was time to walk out the door, so I failed to pack a lunch (immensely enjoyed the chicken casserole at the shelter, BTW)...and then of course it was Tuesday night youth church where I always, always eat too much perfectly wonderful food.

But now it's Wednesday, and as the song says, "I feel better just for spite." I had my oatmeal (150) with milk (60) and sugar (135) and the goal for the day is actually trying, not just glibly jumping off into naughty.

On another note, my numbers are back from that blood test, and they are mahvelous. I'm waiting for the page to arrive in the mail so that I can share all that good news.

returning to this practice once again

toast (100) w/1T peanut butter (100) & peach jam (50) and cup of skim milk (90)

supper out

Supper tonight: TEXAS ROADHOUSE, baby! I got: sirloin shishkabob (sp?) on a bed of rice with a baked sweet potato drizzled with caramel sauce and covered in marshmallows. Also ate half the onion blossom ahead of time, and 2 of the sweetest, heaviest, yummiest dinner rolls with honey butter.

I only ate a little less than half of my dinner. That's the good news, calorie wise...and good news for my tomorrow lunch. The bad news is that even half of it was SURELY A LOT of calories. I am not going to look it up. It was worth it.

Been fasting since supper, so I can do my labs in the morning. My tongue knows the sirloin is in the fridge, and is begging for a nibble.

I will resist.

unexciting update

breakfast: grape nuts cereal (300) and skim milk (75) with sugar (135)

coffee w/sugar when i got to work (135)

lunch: can of tomato soup (225), 10 saltines (120), PB&J sandwich (370)

calories so far today: 1360

I have dinner plans with a friend I haven't seen in way too long. And I need to not eat after 6 pm, so that I can do my labs in the morning. Wonder if I'll make loss or just maintenance today...looking a little ominous. PB&J just sounded so darn good.

BTW I put my true weight into the calorie calculator last night, and actually my weight loss zone is at 1914 calories (38 higher than I thought before). Not that it matters, but it entertained me to find out.

and the doc says....

My doctor is actually a nurse practitioner, and also happens to be one of the coolest human beings on planet earth. I stopped to see him after work tonight, to discuss whether I may or may not be diabetic.

Visiting the doctor means getting on the scales. While I was at it, I asked how much I weighed last time I was there (which was not long before the beginning of this blog, which was late February). The good news: I weigh 9 pounds less today than I did at the last visit. The bad news: At that last visit, I weighed 22 pounds more than my memory had said I did. Oy vey.

The excruciating current number is 278. I can't believe I am publishing it. Damn naked blog.

The doc and I discussed my life. I described my work and ministry schedules, general sleep patterns, and the way I carry others' pains in my heart. When we were done, he said, "Of course you are tired...how could you not be?" Then we had amazing conversation about God's intentions for us here on earth...moving in purpose and not by "shoulds"...heredity and aging...and What Really Matters in the Big Picture. He gave me permission to live and just be me, and did nothing even resembling a lecture. He's even higher on my hero list than he was this morning, and that is high praise indeed.

He also scheduled me a fasting glucose test, cholesterol labs, etc just to put numbers on a page for certainty (I'll probably do those Friday morning). He noted that in 2005 when I was terrified of diabetes and showing more alarming signs than now, my numbers were "exquisite" and that my blood pressure today was excellent.

Then he basically sent me back out to live on purpose.

I can do that.

calorie summary for the day

Well, I lost the battle against the baked goods at work. I complained to my coworker that they were calling my name, and she promptly delivered them to my desk. Note to self: don't complain about impulse control issues to coworker. I caved when those chocolate chocolate chip cookies were in front of me. (400) I did drink 2 bottles of water, in penance.

Supper was leftovers. Cheese ravioli w/onions, peppers, sauce and grated parmesan (270), along with garlic bread (300), homemade coleslaw (100), and skim milk (150).

Total calories so far: 2095. I have frozen fruit thawing in the kitchen, and I'm salivating over it. So I guess I'll enjoy it and just have a straight maintenance day.

sometimes success means trying for the zillionth time

Well I never did remember to come back to the 'puter yesterday to summarize, did I?

Perserverance is unlovely sometimes. I have been reminding myself today that when I started "cleaning up" spiritually it looked a lot like this: tons of good intentions, oceans of rebellious moments, failure upon failure upon mortifying failure, but also slow growth. I am a long way today from where I started on that process (about a decade ago). I need to keep at the business of "cleaning up" physically, even though I feel like I drop the ball continually.

I got a friendly reminder from an old high school friend this morning as I was about to walk out the door - an encouragement well good timed. Thanks, T!

This afternoon is my doctor appointment, where we will discuss whether I need a blood test. The good part: this means I can check my weight, too. The other good part: my doctor is the bomb! I actually look forward to conversations with him.

breakfast: cereal (120) and skim milk (50)

coffee w/sugar to start my work day (135)

strawberries for snack (30)

lunch: clam chowder (420) and saltines (120)...not good choices but I was hurrying and lazy as I figured out lunch before leaving this morning, so that's what went in the bag.

Calories so far today: 875

Note to self: I have not been drinking water all week. I need to get back on it.

There are lots of baked goods here at work today. I want them really badly. Grrrr.

let's do this

Didn't sleep very well last night. Lots and lots of things on my mind. Woke at 4 to finish a blog that had been trying to find its way out since Saturday morning.

Just finished my peanut butter toast (peach jam yummm). Too low on milk to have any of that. Bummer. I will count calories later; the agenda for now is write down the darn food so I can't forget.

Didn't yet succeed...but trying, trying again.

summary of yesterday

I had so much on my mind that I forgot to eat breakfast, and forgot that I forgot until 11, when I was suddenly desperately hungry.

Behaved for lunch. Did drive-thru McDonalds, not even trying to be good, between work and my last ever City Council meeting. Quarter pound cheeseburger, fries, chocolate shake...I was bad as I wanted to be. After the meeting: lovely time at the former Mayor's house. Good food. I did not try to behave.

So much for accounability.

back again, back again, jiggity jig

Well I have neatly dodged 3 days of the diet blog. I feel a little silly even coming back here, with the failure rate I'm currently running, but I also feel like I can't just quit trying. I will face this thing and not ignore it.

I am getting a blood test to put to rest the question of whether I am diabetic. Didn't hear back from my doctor's nurse on that last Friday, so it's on today's agenda.