Friday, March 6, 2009

more naked than i really feel like being...

So it's 9:41 and I am STILL in pain from having eaten too much supper. WOW.

In bed with my laptop, reading grat lists, which is one of my favorite little extras of working a 12-step program for codependents. And then...I remembered something I've sort of forgotten for awhile. Something I am pretty sure I never told another soul (maybe I did and just forgot, but I don't think so). And I promised myself and God that I'd be up front and fully honest on this blog, as part of the deal for making a real and permanent change. So I guess I'm going to write about it. Hmmm. I feel truly uncomfortable just now, and it ain't just my overly full tummy.

A little over 20 years ago now, I was substitute teaching and spending as much time as possible at home with my daughter, who was about 4 at the time. We lived way out in the country (our road turned to dirt just about a quarter of a mile beyond our house) and sometimes I went weeks without seeing anyone other than my daughter and husband. I liked it that way - I was in a depression and I didn't want to be around people.

Food got way out of control, to a point that kind of scared me. The television was on all day, and on a talk show I learned about Overeater's Anonymous. I studied the newspaper and the yellow pages, and eventually found a phone number, which led me to a meeting. I think I planned grocery shopping around the meeting, so that I could get a babysitter without actually having to tell anyone where I would be.

The meeting was in a church. I remember the table of books (as all 12 step meetings have), and I remember a bulimic lady telling stories that made me feel like I must not be out of control, after all. One of the ladies at the meeting gave me a Blue Book and told me I could pay for it "next time." I took it, even knowing there was probably not going to be a next time.

I only remember one small snippet of conversation I had with anyone there, strangely. For some reason I told 2 ladies about soothing my daughter when she was crying, by saying, "It's okay, don't cry." (I have no idea how that came up, since I was definitely there just for me!) The 2 ladies were gentle but urgent as they told me that I must not say that to her anymore...that I was teaching her to stuff her emotions.

I didn't listen then, so I'm not sure why I remember it still all of these years later, except for this: they were right. Stuffing one's emotions is a hard habit to unlearn.

That Blue Book is long gone by now; I vaguely remember smuggling it out in a huge pile of books being donated somewhere I wouldn't be known. The 12 steps of Overeaters Anonymous are here, if you're interested. I guess I'll be considering them.



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