Thursday, February 16, 2012

evidence i'm being created anew

This has been a week that has made me especially grateful for this journey of letting God teach me how to love my body.  

Take Valentine's Day, for instance.  My office was a parade of yumminess.  Someone brought homemade cake balls.  I ate one.  ONE.  Enjoyed it, had a cup of tea, and went on with my day.  Didn't go sneak another one when no one was looking, though they were unguarded on the counter in the hall.  I'd have ALWAYS snuck another one in days past.  Later there were other goodies in that same unmonitored space.  Truth:  I had one of each.  1 very small tollhouse cookie, 1 truffle, 1 petit four.  Each time the decadence came marching in, I had ONE and went on.  I even settled for a different kind of green smoothie rather than regular food for my lunch.  You might think it should naturally be easy for me to just take ONE of each goodie as they came through (and go light on lunch), especially when there were so many different offerings.  I'm here to tell you that before this last year, it would NOT have been easy.  Tasting something yummy would have made me obsessed with getting another one.  I'd have eaten myself sick and come home ashamed. 

The fact that I didn't is truly miraculous, especially considering that my day took a nasty turn when I had a v-day meltdown.  It wasn't pretty.  Here's the thing that leaves me shaking my head in astonishment:  I wasn't even tempted to come home and bury my feelings in bad food.  I made myself a beautiful, body-loving supper.  I didn't binge.  I didn't even struggle with WANTING to binge.  I had a good cry, distracted myself for awhile watching Beetlejuice on my iphone while cleaning the kitchen, and then spent some serious time in worship and prayer while working on a fun project.  Did I feel great?  No.  But I FELT.  And didn't numb out.  And didn't crave fat, salt, crunchy, sugar...any of it.  

So posthumously (of the day, since clearly it's the day and not ME that is over and dead) I'm awarding myself a "Happy Valentine's Day" greeting, cuz though it felt gruesome indeed, in the end I very much DID love this body and myself amidst the horror.  

Way to go, Karen.  Thank you, Lord! 

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