Monday, August 30, 2010

thar she blows, the soup of penitence, and the moody blues

...And of course...temptation follows success. 

And upon meeting temptation, I fail.  Bleh.

Of course I was feeling pretty good about that unbelievable 14-pounds-lost revelation of yesterday, and about not even using up my grace day on Sunday as well.

Enter:  Monday.

We had a very long meeting at work today; part of that was the whole team enjoying lunch at the Bistro, outside even, in the sunshine!  I wasn't worried about it this morning; it is very easy to order good choices at the Bistro.  I was slightly chagrined when I noted I had forgotten my hard boiled egg snack - knew that meant I'd be arriving at 12:30 lunch very hungry.

Here's the thing:  we have this awesome chef there.  He is a true artist, passionate about his work.  Listening to him describe the food he's making can melt me into a puddle.  He is the bomb.  He tends to get excited about special meetings with meals in them.  He gets creative.  He goes over the top.  It is BEYOND delicious - this I know from a multitude of experiences. 

Today he got excited about making the team a special lunch.  Chicken Monterey, which is chicken mixed up with some vegetables, cheese, and stuffing inside a puff pastry shell. Grilled seasoned shrimp, absolutely to die for.  Steamed broccoli.  Au Gratin potatoes.  I did a good thing in giving away the bread that came with my dinner salad, but then that puff pastry pushed me right over the edge.  I had enjoyed a cookie before lunch (they are in baskets on all the tables and they are never not delicious), telling myself I was using one of my "sweets" but it would be okay.  

Yeah.  After savoring every heavenly bite of that Chicken Monterey AND the Au Gratin potatoes...DUDE...I was shot.  The waitresses brought dessert around on the trays and I enjoyed a piece of chocolate pie and split a lemon bar with a co-worker, per her request (I'm just naturally giving like that, apparently.)  

So I guess it turned out well that I had forgotten to pack my afternoon snack.  Sheesh.

Tonight I've been penitent.  Came home and just had some nut crackers and a bowl of amazing-but-good-for-me soup with some skim milk.  The soup is a wonder - it was part of my effort to get busy cleaning out the accumulated stuff in my freezer before I move away.  I found frozen tomatoes, cabbage, and chicken breasts.  Tossed them in a pot over the weekend with some onion and a healthy dose of Jamaican Jerk Rub.  Cooked for many hours and eventually pulled the chicken bones out when the meat just basically fell off of them.  Ummm golly SO MUCH FLAVOR in that soup, and a big bowl is a ton of veggies and maybe half a serving of chicken.  So that works.  

Currently having an argument with myself about how to interpret the day.  I mean, YES it clearly has to count as my grace day.  But:  I'm suspecting I need to surrender to the idea that I have also used up ALL 3  of my "sweets" options for the week.  I HATE that idea and am fighting against it for all I'm worth.  Lord, convict me please.

Furthermore, I am down in the dumps.  I didn't really realize it until now.  I came home and texted my friend, with whom I had planned a bike ride, and begged off on account of cloudy skies and my overpowering desire to be in bed by 8 PM.  I was thinking I was just tired and withdrawn.  Realizing now that I think I'm in a funk about the big lunch blowout.  

And right now, all I feel like doing about that is going to bed.



  1. I guess it could be summed up by asking a few honest questions. Did you eat like that because you had lost so much weight and felt you would be okay? If so then that is definitely something to take note of and watch for. That is where I regularly fail. After a good few days I feel I 'deserve' a bad day.

    As far as surrendering - well that takes a lot of prayer :)

    As far as the depression, I always feel a let down after something really amazing, especially when I look at how hard the road ahead is. One day at a time. Not sure if that's why you're down or not - OR you know, you do have some serious life changes coming up. You're going to be crazy with emotions.

    Love you and praying for you!

  2. Well, I don't think it was giving myself permission based on success...actually I could hear part of me protesting and asking not to send myself backward. It was more of a "here it is in front of me and seeing it, I want it SO BADLY" thing. Which I guess is an insight into why I don't have a television and don't hang out in bars - easy not to pine for something that's not in front of me...and I am, it seems, still quite weak when temptation is within reach.

    Yeah I should have factored the change thing in. The last time my life changed this utterly, I can recall periods of being utterly unable to stop crying, just as a kind of "shock reaction" I think. I suppose the emotion roller coaster is bound to show its overwhelming face at some points along the journey.

    Praying for you too...God has not given up on us!

    much love