Afternoon snack: one Hershey's Kiss (26 calories) and one apple - we'll call it a medium (80 calories).
Craved snacks a lot, but I think most of that was the fact I couldn't/shouldn't just keep eating.
Left work at 3 pm like I always do on Tuesdays, to head for youth church. Made my usual stop to pick up day-old Panera bread from the Mission...some for sharing with youth group kids and some to keep. While I was there...A HIDEOUS TEST! I grabbed a bag of bread and one of the guys then showed me "what we call the goody box." Oh golly...every decadent treat possible from Panera. Cookies bigger than my hands, cinnamon rolls the size of dinner plates, this brownie cake/pie amazing thing, muffins big enough to be 8 muffins. I looked and thought excitedly that I'd enjoy a cookie on my drive.
But then I remembered: if I eat it, I have to count it. Ugghhhh.
I walked away without anything from the goody box. Glad to have passed the test but utterly miserable to not have a goody. My stomach felt like it started eating itself at that point.
Stopped for gas on the way to youth church and went into the convenience store, desperate for a snack to stop my stomach...and to keep me from overindulging at the church, which is always fully stocked with Foods I Definitely Shouldn't Eat. Some convenience stores have fresh fruit; I intended to buy several pieces if it did. But no.
My road snack: 1 oz salted peanuts (170 calories) and 1 bottle 100% grape juice (340 calories). I just really needed salty, sweet, AND crunchy. I justified the peanuts because the protein would carry me awhile, and the juice (though it was calorie-laden) because it had 200% of the vitamin C I needed for the day....not to mention grape juice helps prevent heart problems. Felt kinda melancholy about food in general when I was done.
The drive from work to youth church takes about 1.25 hours. The last 10 minutes of my drive I got horribly sleepy, nodding and blinking and struggling not to fade out. The last 5 minutes of my drive, I got that awful sick stomachache I get when I've gotten way too little sleep. I was awfully glad to get to church.
Supper at youth church: 2 cups canned beef stew (440 calories), 3 canned biscuits (150 calories), 1/2 cup sweetened applesauce (100 calories), 1 cup apple crisp (300 calories), and a bottle of water.
Calories thus far today: I think 2,581 if I calculated right. Immensely better than yesterday, but still at adding-weight-to-my-bod level. Ergh.
Things to share: lovely daughter's coworker likes this website for tracking calories. It even tracks calories from fat, etc. Thus far I am not using it because I can find calories faster by googling...but I am definitely losing the advantage of the little pie charts and stuff she can study about her daily consumption (and it's free).
A friend from my grat list likes this website for getting some team accountability for weight loss. You track your diet as part as a team of 4 people, so there is built in encouragement. It seems like a nice idea to me, though at this point I'm sticking with talking to my daughter about it, since she's kind of in the same mode I am right now. And of course blogging without mercy right here.
I googled "morbid obese exercises" today and learned the virtues of isometrics. Here are some good exercises that can be done at the desk at work; here are some good things to do in a chair that seem like they'll be helpful. I'd like to move toward doing this stuff regularly as a place to start; while hardcore athletes might find it pathetic, it's a starting place for an office chair jockey like me.
I also know some other things I can do to get my body ready for walking: focus on posture throughout my regular day. Tuck my hips and suck in my gut. Right now I walk around with my butt and belly sticking out/hanging loose, and that's hell on my back. I should not be letting my spine do all the work when muscles could be so much help. If I can get myself retrained to carry myself right, my back will hurt much less when I walk.
Finally, it seems wise for me to take the time to write a list that answers my coworker's question of why I want to lose weight, just to help keep me focused. Here is at least part of the story:
1. I'm tired all the time. Part of that is I currently work too many hours and I'm working on slowing that down, but part of it is also fatigue from carrying all those pounds around (picture yourself carrying a 100 pound feed sack everywhere you go; how tired would you be at the end of each day?), and part of it is surely too much food and too little exercise.
2. I have a range of about 4 clothing sizes I wear (22-24-26-28), depending on how fat I am. Right now I only wear the biggest stuff and it's kind of tight or doesn't fit right. I'm tired of my belly finding a way to be exposed, tired of my pants cutting into my waist, tired of every shirt feeling "almost" comfortable. Monday I wanted to leave work and go find a good size 4x black zip up hoodie to wear over my clothes and hide me. I might have even gone, if I'd have been sure I could find a 4x sweatshirt, and that I could have afforded it if I had. Both propositions are highly unlikely.
3. If I am on my feet much, my feet and knees hurt like hell. If I do a good portion of housework, my entire body hurts afterward, sometimes enough to prevent sleep.
4. I hate the ways I can't move. My weight has horribly hampered my balance, flexibility and stamina for too long now. I hate how easily I get short of breath. I remember how good it feels to be able to really move. I can't do that anymore. I am in danger of accelerating the aging process at this point if I don't change my habits.
5. No amount of cleaning up, making up, dressing up, etc can make me feel "attractive." That doesn't feel good. Even if I were to encounter Mr. Right at this point in my life, I'd want to put off the wedding till I wouldn't mind being ummm well as the top of the page says, naked with him. So there.
6. Clothes are easier to find and cheaper in the "normal sizes" section.
7. I hate the "belly fat" ads all over the internet (and that charming "arm fat" ad I saw the other day with a finger poking the fat to make it jiggle)...because they feel like personal attacks against my self-esteem. I'd like to be able to ignore them and not feel bad at animated cellulite jiggling nonstop on the side or at the top of my computer screen. Just for the record, I WILL NEVER purchase anything advertised that way, simply because it persistently ticks me off.
8. My health matters, and my weight is pushing me toward things like high blood pressure. My current diet is likely to get my cholesterol up into the danger zone. All manner of maladys are associated with overweight; I want to go around those possibilities wherever possible.
9. I definitely fill my empty spaces with food, and every one of those spaces should be places I run for God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. YES food is my idol and NO that's not okay. This, by the way, should be item number ONE and not at the bottom of the list.
All of which reminds me: making a mental note to pray more intentionally tonight and work on giving this whole issue over to the One with all the answers.
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