I was having trouble figuring out how I was going to WOW myself this morning, for my last run before the Bix. What could follow my 2 trips up Brady Street Hill and my 6 trips up Augustana Hill? I've been busy and tired and I just didn't think of anything. So I figured I would go for speed again this morning - see if I could run the fastest miles yet.
And then I stepped out of my icy cool air conditioned house and into...the swamp. The air was so muggy, so horrible. For sure it weighed a thousand pounds. The sun wasn't up yet and it was already 80 degrees. I was out of breath in the first block of running. THE FIRST BLOCK.
Nonetheless, I kept moving. And eventually I resolved that even FINISHING today was going to be a wow, what with the not being able to breathe, and the sweat gushing out of my pores.
Finish, I did. I didn't walk at all. So that's a win for the day, though it feels like crap.
I realized as I came down the street on that last block that had run me out of breath so fast when leaving home that for my entire run, I had been remembering old bad, painful, hurtful, discouraging, hard things from the many ways my marriage failed. That's been smacking me from out of nowhere somewhat regularly lately. I will be going along, happy as can be and then suddenly the memories will just start cascading and sucking me down. I assume it is the voice of the Liar, doing his level best to steal my hope about my upcoming marriage.
But I'm not that person I was back then. I wouldn't walk the same way through those trials. I would respond differently. I understand more about who I am and how God loves me. I am way more in tune with what is about me and what is for sure not about me at all. And furthermore, to say that my fiance is not my ex husband is stating it uhhh rather mildly. They couldn't be more different.
So. Something wants to steal my hope. And in the passages like that run full of awful memories, it's pretty damned discouraging.
And that is my final answer. BUT GOD.