Monday, January 10, 2011

pro at procrastination

I read this really great article about procrastination this morning...really the perfect thing for a Monday morning.  Great insights into the whys and hows of procrastination.  I definitely keep my procrastination compartmentalized; I'm right on top of things in some areas of my life, and a flagrant, unrepentant procrastinator in others.  Diet and exercise have tended to fall under the latter for me.  

This just goes to show how stubborn I've been about not carrying life lessons from one compartment to another.  I can look back across my life and see areas where I've switched from procrastinating to not, and can see my freedom in those areas so clearly.

I used to be deep in debt, because I nearly always enjoyed the now and didn't factor in the later.  Digging out of debt was a matter of choosing to pay now, pay first, forego the "now pleasures" in favor of the later.  (Admittedly, a whole lot of this specific process happened against my will with wage garnishments, but still there was a lot of lesson along the way, and I DID understand.)  

I used to live most of the time in an appalling mess...the kind that makes people cringe.  Stacked dishes, stacked laundry, stacked garbage, mess everywhere.  I thought I was "too busy" and "too tired" to take care of these things.  When I began to grasp dealing with each thing immediately, in the now, I learned that the mess is unable to catch me and mess with my peace of mind.  So now I make my bed as soon as I get out of it...stop to put that book back on the shelf now, rather than planning to do it later, and while no one will ever call me a "neat freak" I do enjoy the sort of order that keeps me from being oppressed by the mess.

I'm realizing while I write this that the body I'm currently driving around this earth is in some ways the same kind of appalling mess, for the same kinds of reasons.  I enjoy the treat now, with the plan to be good later.  I relax awhile longer, with the plan to work out later.  This afternoon.  Tomorrow.  Next Monday.  Anytime that is not NOW.  

Now here's the trick, on this one:  the lesson is great.  I have a choice:  I can handle it in the usual Karen-ish way and formulate a plan for how Karen Who Is Bigger Than God (my imaginary friend) will overcome her procrastination by her plan, her power, her might, her determination, her wisdom, her insight, blah blah blah. 

Been there, done that, got the size 3X t-shirt.  

Or, I can recognize my imaginary friend as the powerless fool she is, and I can take the really great lesson and ask God to remove this shortcoming in me.  What I know from working the 12 steps:  no point in asking Him to remove it until I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

I find myself in that strange spot again - struggling to be in charge, in control, fully understand and grasp, and to FEEL what I know I should.  

Being entirely ready is not just an emotional state - not just a feeling.  

Right now in this moment though, I am stuck on the feelings.

The eating part of bringing my body into obedience - not so hard.  I mean, I don't do it perfectly, but I've made and continue to make really nice progress on that.

I DON'T WANT TO EXERCISE.  Oh man, how lazy is that?!  I don't want to.  Here in my comfy bed at 7:15 in the morning, considering any kind of commitment to exercise makes everything in me balk.

In other words, who is in control?  


And I'm not loving it by letting it squawk so loudly and insist it can't, won't, doesn't wanna exercise.  

I'm letting it be in charge.  Letting it be a spoiled rotten brat, with all the baggage brats carry.  


Time to get entirely ready.

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