Well, today I for sure don't love my body.
I've been sick for several days. Been babying myself, resting, going gently...have felt I was really on the right path. Yesterday I was mostly better, but even still, took it slowly.
Today after church, I went for a walk. I needed to get to a nearby Walgreens to pick up some photos I had ordered. It's about 6 city blocks from here, I guess...the number on my building is 920, and the store is on the same street, numbered 1500. That's 6 blocks, right? It's not 6 blocks like back home...not 6 small-town blocks. A piece further than that. But still, not at all unreasonably far.
I was excited about going for a walk, after having been in my room for 3 days. Loved the fresh air and the giant, slowly falling snow flakes. Felt productive. Felt good.
Until. Uggg. About a block from the store, I suddenly found myself pretty darn tired. I hadn't been hurrying; this walk was nothing like "cardio" at all. Just a leisurely Sunday walk. Still, I slowed down a bit.
The walk home was pretty much excruciating. My legs got rubbery. Nausea took hold. I was woozy and kind of staggering enough that I wondered whether passers-by thought I was under the influence. By the time I got into the house and onto the elevator, I was propping myself up against the wall. Needed to sit down before I fell down.
WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?! I am mostly better. MOSTLY. Certainly felt enough better to go for a nice, slow afternoon walk in the sunshine. It didn't seem like a gamble when I was walking out the front door.
Truth: I have no patience with my body, in cases like this. My literal thoughts toward it were angry: "Why are you f**king with me like this?!" Bad language? Yes (and I'm sorry if it offends). But really...that's how vexed I was at what was happening in this body. How merciless, uncaring, and unyielding my emotions were toward it.
That's not love. If a child in my care had an unexpected meltdown like that, I would have felt more mercy toward them than I felt toward my body today. I might have been irritated, but f-bombs wouldn't have been dropping inside my head.
I don't know how to love my body.
God, help me. Please!
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