Sunday, January 16, 2011

kind of a love/hate thing

Well, today I for sure don't love my body.

I've been sick for several days.  Been babying myself, resting, going gently...have felt I was really on the right path.  Yesterday I was mostly better, but even still, took it slowly. 

Today after church, I went for a walk.  I needed to get to a nearby Walgreens to pick up some photos I had ordered.  It's about 6 city blocks from here, I guess...the number on my building is 920, and the store is on the same street, numbered 1500.  That's 6 blocks, right?  It's not 6 blocks like back home...not 6 small-town blocks.  A piece further than that.   But still, not at all unreasonably far. 

I was excited about going for a walk, after having been in my room for 3 days.  Loved the fresh air and the giant, slowly falling snow flakes.  Felt productive.  Felt good. 

Until.  Uggg.  About a block from the store, I suddenly found myself pretty darn tired.  I hadn't been hurrying; this walk was nothing like "cardio" at all.  Just a leisurely Sunday walk.  Still, I slowed down a bit. 

The walk home was pretty much excruciating.  My legs got rubbery.  Nausea took hold.  I was woozy and kind of staggering enough that I wondered whether passers-by thought I was under the influence.  By the time I got into the house and onto the elevator, I was propping myself up against the wall.  Needed to sit down before I fell down. 

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?!  I am mostly better.  MOSTLY.  Certainly felt enough better to go for a nice, slow afternoon walk in the sunshine.  It didn't seem like a gamble when I was walking out the front door. 

Truth:  I have no patience with my body, in cases like this.  My literal thoughts toward it were angry:  "Why are you f**king with me like this?!"  Bad language?  Yes (and I'm sorry if it offends).  But really...that's how vexed I was at what was happening in this body.  How merciless, uncaring, and unyielding my emotions were toward it. 

That's not love.  If a child in my care had an unexpected meltdown like that, I would have felt more mercy toward them than I felt toward my body today.  I might have been irritated, but f-bombs wouldn't have been dropping inside my head. 

I don't know how to love my body.

God, help me.  Please!

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